Still haven’t done much 😦 but getting somewhere.
You would think I would use this time wisely but in actual fact I haven’t. All I have done is sit around and thought about things a great deal.
About who I am as a person, who am I? has come up lot these last few days and to start with my answer was I do not know, but as the days have gone on I have now started to think about it more and more.
Who am I? Well I am a mother of 2, and that is about it really, you would think I would have more but as I explore this who am I? It has me thinking alot of not who I am but more of what do I want to become?
Do I want to let depression and anxiety take over my life? Well that is a definite NO, so my next question is, what am I going to do about it? Well I have had to dig deep and try to find what my root cause for this is and it has been pain staking.
I spoke with my counsellor about this and it was a grusome process and very emotional and very eye opening to say the least. But I am now hoping that by getting to the bottom of it I can now work on trying to heal myself and look to the future.
After having a very long sleep, must of need it.
I decided to explore my feelings and why I was stuck in a rut, and started to write these down but my head was not co-operating and everything seemed to be foggy and could not write anything down aat from doodling.
I then decide that I was hungry and went and made something to eat and feed the pooch while I was at it, thankfully my son had done this for me while I was sleeping the day before.
I have notice though that through this isolation period I am getting the same questions coming up and I really want to explore these because I do think that they are the key to me feeling like I am.
Hopefully tomorrow will bring better joy round this and might actually have maybe some answers.
Well nothing really happened today.
I facetime a friend on the morning which was good and I got to see my Godson and he was playing with his toys which was cute to see, and had a good chat with my friend, which was nice to do.
I then decided on to have a nap because I hadn’t slept well the night before only to wake up the next day!!
So really nothing alot happened on this day.
Still haven’t done much 😦
Me and pooch ran about the house been silly which was good excerise for us both he was knackered out and slept most of the day and just as I was winding down he wanted to play again.
Got on top with my finances thought it was about time I paid them some attention, which was a weight lifted, I have now got a savings pot for a rainy day, I also did some telephone calls that I could not put off any longer.
Once I had done all this I felt I was getting some of my life control back, and it felt good.
I then decide to tidy up as the house was looking a bit neglected, which again made me feel a bit better, but I still have this nagging sensation in my mind that something needed to be addressed but I could not quite put my finger on it.
So i got my note pad and pens and started writing down what was on my mind and did a mind map of my feelings and what could be possibly be the cause of these, and thought I would explore these with my counsellor when I next saw her.
I can not believe that January is over and we are into a new month.
Well for me the month started off to a great start, I am having counselling and feeling more positive about things was looking forward to returning to work and other things that I have signed up to do but my health situation has got it’s own agenda.
I was starting to get into a good place with myself mentally, which was having some positive affects with my lifestyle, I was finding myself getting up at good times and actually started doing things round the house more like cleaning and washing clothes that had been piling up.
I went to go do my weekly shop at my local supermarket, and everything was going great, until half way round I felt like I had hit a wall and some was stabbing me repeatedly in my chest, everything around me started to blur and I could not move, like I had been grounded.
At first I did not know what was happening to me and I was scared, but that was not the only one I had that week I ended up having 3 more. I rang my doctor to find out what was going on with me and she said that I was having anxeity attacks.
The week after I was still getting them but not as aggressive as the week before but I do not know if that was because I know what to expect or something else, but what I do know is that I am not liking having these attacks and at the minute I do not seem to have any control over them.
My doctor has given me a 2 month sick note to help me sort my attacks out and hope that in this time I can understand what is making me have them or whether I am going to have this for a long time.
Nothing much to report today.
Did my ususal routine this morning, then decided to play hide and seek with the pooch all morning, well that was a good work out I tell you running up and down the stairs and around the house, was a lot of fun.
Even the dog was tired after it as he slept most of the afternoon. which gave me chance to do some breathing excersies and meditate, without him trying to sit on my lap and lick my face for attention.
Did some of my bullet journal, and looked at some emails and then decided to watch whatever was on netflix for the rest of the day.
The last three days have been like hell.
Not been able to go out for excerise or take my dog out is really starting to get me.
I had got this plan in my head that I was going to be a bit more active and take my pooch out every day (doing it myself instead of asking my son to do it for me).
I was going to get up and do some yoga stretches have breakfast, get dressed and then take the pooch out for a good walk, and then come back do some more yoga stretches and then do what is on my list for the day.
Now do not get me wrong I am still doing everything apart from the dog walking, but by not getting out for that hour is really starting to get to me.
The weather is not good it is raining but I love the rain and walking in it I find it calming and relaxing and not been able to get out in it and walk in the woods is a nightmare.
I think the pooch is feeling it too as he is watching people go past out of the window and barking at every car that goes past, and making me jump out of my skin every time he does!!
Another very boring day to be honest.
I got up earlier then I thought I would, but then again I did have almost 14 hours sleep!!
I made me and the pooch breakfast then decided to clean the house, took curtains down and washed them and then hung them back up.
Decided to catch up on my bullet journal, seen as they really isnt anything else left to do.
Made some dinner and shared that with the pooch as did not fancy it any more.
Cut my sons hair as it was getting to long for him.
Then sat most of the day doing nothing at my desk, checked emails, watched a few videos on facebook, tidied the desk up and then sat twiddling my thumbs for the rest of it.
Did not do much today.
Got up later than I would normally, and feed the dog and he has looked at me with sad eyes because I can not take him out with been on isolation, just as we was starting to get into a rountine too.
I had breakfast, made a coffee, made my pooch his breakfast, and started at the kitchen table and ate. I then filled the dishwasher, and cleaned the sides down and went back up stairs.
I went to go brush my teeth but my tooth brush died so had to put that on charge. I then started sorting my clothes and shoes out and get rid of everything I no longer wear or need.
I then made myself some dinner and then decided that I was not going to do anyhting else for the rest of the day, apart from watch netflix and get back into bed.
I most of fell asleep as I woke up feeling hungry and got up and made something to eat, and feed the pooch his tea, and then decided to go back to bed and go to sleep, I turned the TV off and went to the toilet let the pooch out and then climbed back into bed and went to sleep.
Well I had the biggest scare of my life the other day.
I woke up on Tuesday morning as any other day but with a slight pain in my chest and thought nothing of it as I thought it will pass soon, and carried on with my daily household chores.
As the day went on the pain in my chest got worse and was finding it hard to breathe and concentrate on what I was doing. I rang my doctor who told me to ring the NHS line for advice as they could not do anything at this time for me.
So I rang the NHS and they asked me aload of questions and then said that they are sending an ambulance out for me as they think I could be having a heart attack!!
The ambulance turned up about an hour later and was asking me questions and then hooked me up to ECG machine and when they looked at the print out they said it is nothing to worry about but there is something off with the reading and we are going to have to take you in.
At that point I froze and did not know what to think or say and in the ambulance I went to the hospital. When we got there they booked me and put me in a room and they hooked me up to there machines and took bloods.
As I layed on the bed waiting for someone to come and see me they was talking outside about the woment in the other room having Covid but not having any syptoms and what should they do??
The nurse then came into me and and checked my blood pressure and what not and they left again, about 40 minutes later the doctor came in and was asking if there was any heart problems in the family? To which I said I think so.
He then checked my blood pressure again and said that it would be wise to isolate for the next 14 days with them having someone in with Covid and them not showing signs of having it and that I will get an appointment through the post to have a heart scan.
Never in my life have I been so scared, or alone, and no one to comfort me and tell me everything was going to be ok, and that I will get through it.