Last week of April

Not quite feeling myself at the start of the week.

It felt like I cloud hanging over my head and a feeling in my tummy that I could not quite work out what it was and still have not figured it out even now.

The week started off with me feeling so drained and lethargic that I have not been feeling myself and also not really done much because of how I have been feeling. But what I have done is write out some recipes that I would like to try and also set myself some goals to lose this weight I seemed to have put on, and it is not because of over eating or anything like as I have been watching what I have been eating for the last 2 months and I still do my Yoga every now and again but just can not seem to get me head back in it at the moment, but have put on another stone, I am still taking my furbaby out as often as I can and we can be out for 30 minutes to an hour some days and others for 10 minutes.

I have also reconnected with an old friend this week which is nice because I do not have many friends and the ones I do have I hold close to my heart, and she also suffers with anxiety and we have been connecting through that, so much so we spent about 2 and half hours on the phone catching up and felt so much better afterwards. We have spoken nearly everyday since whether it be through phone calls or texts. It almost feels like we haven’t had the last few years dealing with our own life’s and like we have picked up were we left off and i love that about friendships, been able to not speak for months on end and then speak again again as if that time had not happened.

My little brother dug my front garden over for me, so I can get it seeded and get some plant for my planter at the front so hopefully it will start to look nice by the end of the year!! but at least it will look good for next year!!

Cleaned my house from top to bottom Thursday and felt much better for that, but still felt quite drained but not as much as I was at the beginning of the week. Completed all of my college work and anything else I had to catch up on also got really excited Friday as it was my birthday and got a Traxxas sport kit to build so can not wait to get stuck into that next week.

The weekend consisted of been out in the van and having some adventures as that is what I wanted to do.

what started off as a slow start the week ended on a high, and started the next week on a high, can not wait for the next road trip.

Third week in April

Slowly getting back on track with the love of my life 🥰

Well after the weekend away I decided to tidy my gardens up and make them look a bit better.

But as I went to go dig my front garden my back started to hurt so decided to get someone in to do for me so that way all I had to do was put some grass seed down and sort my planters out.

I also had a tough day at college, with emotions running high and feeling a bit deflated from it, but it was a learning curve and one that i certainly learned from. It is easy to sympathise but it is hard to empathise and there is a big difference between the 2 but I am only on my level 2 so it is a learning progress and I am enjoying every bit of it as I am learning more about myself and my own internal frame of reference.

As the week went on and college work done and things getting sorting in the house and getting rid of stuff that I had been holding onto that i did not need any longer because it was just taking up space, I also have learned to let go of people in my life that do not want me in theirs for what ever reason is theirs, but I did and do still have my moments and will most properly still have them moments because of that connection that I was clinging on to.

The relationship with my Daughter has flat lined since she moved out and this has been a tough cookie to swallow, as I did not expect her to cut me off so quickly, but she has her reasons and hopefully one day we can reconnect when she is good and ready, just more gutted that I will not have a good relationship with my grandchild like I had hoped. She is concentrating on her family now and I am learning to get on with mine as I can not expect to work at something when the other party is not ready to do so. I will be ready and waiting and to listen and help when the time is right.

My Son has got himself an apprenticeship, and I am proud of him for getting himself out there and apply himself, so far he is loving it because it is hands on and he loves the practical side of things, but he does have his moments were he puts me down and makes me feel inadequate about been a Mum, but I am also learning to try and just take this with a pinch of salt and not dwell on it too much, although I did shout at him for the way he made me feel with his constant remarks as it got too much with been called stupid and dumb. I know I am not and I know that the abundance of information I have will one day be helpful to him but until then……

Things are going great between me and my partner since we had a good talk about everything and we have now made some future plans that I can not wait for, I hope he understands me better than he did before and I try to let him into my thought process as much as I can so he can understand were i am coming from which has took some bickering and fall outs in the process of this but we are getting there and we are still both learning how to get on with it but together instead of separately.

Second week of April

This week started off a bit emotional.

It was my first week back to college and we got a task to do and it was very emotional for me to do, but I did it and it was good to and now I can move on from that and learn from it as well as forgive myself for it.

It has also been a busy week this week with lockdown easing and been able to see friends and family, so have been to see who I can when I can, but love been busy and keeping myself occupied as it stops my Brain from going into over drive.

Monday was college day, Tuesday went going to go and see one of my good friends and godson, Wednesday ended up in bed all day with a major headache and could not move my head off the pillow without feel or going to be sick, Thursday was clean up and get any washing done, also my son had a job interview on the morning, my son wanted to baked and cook all week so let him, Friday was getting everything together as having a weekend camping.

Whilst I was cleaning up on the Thursday I did a house cleanse, and got rid of clothes I do not wear or use, got rid of books, paper, and anything else that I no longer had use for and I felt amazing after it, there is still a lot to go through but my god I have space and looks so much better, but there is also another reason to the madness of cleaning and that is the more I get rid of now the less I have to later when I go travelling with my partner and see the world because lets face it, I can get everything sorted while I am grounded (doing college and uni) and then when I am fully qualified I am hoping to take it on the road with me and also learn while in different countries of methods and techniques.

The weekend brought lots of laughter and was good to get out and meet friends again that we have only been able to speak to over text or phone, campfires and social distancing around them everyone trying to speak over others around so they can be heard when answering questions or asking question, through the day slowly going round and saying morning to everyone as a new starts and been able to actually have a proper talk to everyone everyone sharing their dealing with lockdown and what changes they have made to their vans/motorhomes/trucks.

I still have a lot of internal work to do and I know that I am going to still have my days were I do not want to do anything or speak to anyone but that is just how I process what has been happening (that day or week or moth), but the people I have around me are understanding of that because I have talked to them about how I am feeling and my process and are accepting of that and this makes me stronger again. I pushed so many people out of my life that I forgot that I needed these people more than I thought I did, and I am having the best relationships with friends family and my partner.

I am excited about my future again, and things I have planned as well what I have got planned with my partner, and I know that I am going to have the best life from here on out because I am determined to not let this take over me again and I will fight everyday to keep myself in this place I have fought so hard to get to, and I have got the mindset now where if you want to be in my life you need to make as much effort as I am giving because if you do not then I will not waste my time any longer.

I am also looking at doing some volunteering work in hope of gaining some experience and help me with future prospects of a getting a job. So will keep everyone posted on how that goes.

So what started off to be an emotional week has turned out to be one of the best weeks yet and looking forward to many more with them all.

First weekend away since lockdown last year!!

Love watching the sunsets even in the cold weather.

It has been a long time coming getting out in the van and been able to enjoy the outdoors again.

We got asked to meet up with a few friends on a campsite not far from where we live, and what a weekend it has been (all social distancing of course!!). There have been laughs and catch ups and stories to tell that made every one laugh or cry with laughter.

It was good to finally see that this could be the end of what has been the most trying time for everyone, been locked away from everyone they love and cherish because of vulnerabilities, or they have had to shield or whatever reason they have needed to do to keep themselves and their loved ones safe.

As I look around at these people who are talking and catching up, with their stories I see a few things and that is contentment, relief, worry, stress, and wonder. The sound of their voices so rushed but yet subtle, but there is still that void of not been able to get to close because of fear.

As I look at this crowd before me, I see wide eyes looking and facial expressions that are wary, and body language that is saying do not come to close, even though I have missed our chats, the ones that want to give hugs to those that are close to them but can not for fear of offending the other person or someone who is near by watching.

There are mixed reactions to these people before me and I can not help but wonder if this is how we are ment to be from now on and how we are to react to each other? I see these people and feel somewhat sorry for them because of the rules and guidelines that are in place, it just seems like one head battering after another against a brick wall, of you will do what is required or else!!

Myself included I feel the tension in my neck and shoulders as I return to the van as I had not realised how tense I had been, how safe I felt when I returned back to the van because it was home on wheels and only we could be in this small space, how worried my facial features looked when I was taking off my make-up.

So as I am looking in the mirror I am thinking if I am feeling like this, how is everyone else feeling? Could they be thinking or feeling something similar but on a smaller scale? or maybe on a bigger scale? But who knows because at the end of the day that is their progitive, and that it is ok to feel like this after a long hard year of a pandemic.

I know Mental Health is on the rise, not just because of the pandemic, but it has helped people to wake up and realise that people do need help and that it just isn’t going to go away, and I know there are a lot of companies who are now putting training into place to help those with Mental Health issues and that is fantastic to hear but what happens to that friendship they have just required at work with that person? will they still be friends or work colleagues? or even still a free therapist?

First week of April

Wanted to walk up Roseberry Topping, but body had other ideas and only made it to half way point, so glad I did as the view from here was just as phenomenal .

Well the month has started off to a great start, with things been sorted between me and my life partner, and I have now got a good relationship with my Mum.

As lockdown starts to look like we are having a light at the end of the tunnel as everything starts to ease and that we can start to see family and friends again (social distant) but I have also had my covid jab (1st one) and have been fine and had no side effects from it, which I was quite surprised as you hear so many horror stories about it and I am now just wondering if it is all just scare monger? but everyone has their own opinions about it all.

I decided to go to Roseberry Topping and realised that I am unfit and would need to train my body to be able to climb stuff like that, I thought I was going to collapse with not been able to breathe, but since then I have decided to stop smoking and start taking my body seriously and get into better shape, I am hoping to start this with doing at least an hours walking a day and the good thing about it is my fur baby is going to love it.

She lighted up the room when Lee smiled, even though I only saw her on tv, her energy was remarkable and I could feel that through the tv, may you rest in peace, and hope your family and everyone who knew you on a personal level finds peace too because to me you were blessed

Also the last few weeks I have been feeling a sense of lost as someone I do not know but felt like I knew her through her blog and that of Eamon and Bec, Lee took her life and the wave of loss over come me because I understood what she was going through and how hard it is to fight depression and to keep going and look on the positive side of life, and to me she was an inspiration, I do not know the full story of what happen, but the loss was unreal, it has never been something I have felt before and it shifted something inside of me, I can not describe it, but the fight to stay alive is stronger, as you have to fight everyday that wave of ending everything when you are in that place of darkness and feel no way out apart from ending the pain that you feel, when someone says something and you take it heart and ask yourself loads of questions and can not get out of that rut, I know the place all to well over the last 2-3 years and I think that is why I felt this loss more than I thought I would and my heart goes out to her family and all of her closest friends #speakupforLee I send you my deepest sympathy, and condolences.

Anyway on a lighter note I finally am getting to understand who I am and what I want out of the rest of my life, and that I am worth something to someone and that someone is myself, I am slowly learning to love myself again and I am slowly learning to love who I am as a person.

I am now loving life again and I have now got what I want to do with my life and where I want to go and I can not wait for the journey to beginning properly. I have started this journey already and I am doing a lot of inner child work and also learning at college doing my Level Two Counselling, I have now found a hobby I am enjoying also and it is something that I can enjoy with my life partner and also with his son as he has got into to, just bad side to it is that it is an expensive hobby but something that I can do for the rest of my life.

A rough week, but a good outcome

From bad to worse to amazing, that is how I can explain the last 2 weeks.

Do not get me wrong the week started off to a great start and I could of not been happier with myself or anyone around me, but then it started going downwards, my daughter moved her stuff out which did put me on a downer but not to the extreme I have been on, and was able to bounce back from it, but when your partner sees you as one thing when you are trying to rebuild yourself is a hard nut to crack.

It got to the point were we argued because he said I had lied to him, when in a actual fact he did not let me finish before jumping down my throat about it, and this lead to me saying that I had, had enough I was sick of going in circles, and he should just get his stuff and go.

He turned up and after he had finished work and gone to his mums, and we sat in silence for about 10 minutes ish before I started to speak, and i was strong and I was ready for him to walk out the door and for him to never come back and get on with my life, because I know the struggle I have gone through and I wasn’t letting him drag me backwards, until I saw his stuff on the bed and suitcases and I just walked back down stairs and cracked and broke down into floods of tears.

he came down a few moments later and asked how we was to move on from this, to which I said stop seeing me as a lier, and meet me on all levels, as I have stuck by him through everything, taken interested in all his hobbies and interests, and have been patient with him and even though some of the things he has said or done, I have kept my mouth shut, and let him get on with it.

As the evening went on we talked and I think we have sorted through everything, but I think only time will tell on that, but I have told him that I am a strong, funny, sarcastic, mouth works before brain kicks in and that I suffer with depression and anxiety and that is who I am, it is up to him now whether to accept it or not but I am been who I want to be and not someones expectations of me.

Well the weekend went really well after that, and managed to get a lot of walking and hiking done, as well as playing with RC Crawling which I secretly love, but it expensive, and meet up with a few people who are into also and filmed some of the scenes for my partners YouTube channel (Aron’s RC Adventures), but would mostly go and explore the woodlands around us, and to top that day of I found a crochet Octopus from random acts of crochet kinds (who are on Facebook) and loved finally meeting up with friends that we haven’t seen for a while, and to see our god son on his birthday, and we could not resist getting him a remote controlled car.

So the beginning of April was a bad start to the month but hoping that it will end on a high, and to those that read this, I hope you find the new and possible improved me good, because this is who I am now, bad and good, and if you don’t it won’t get to me like it used to because all that matters is my opinion of myself.

hope everyone has had a good easter weekend and will catch up with you all again soon, love and peace x

March 2021

Picture of me then and now 🥰

When I started blogging my mental health journey, back then I would never have thought I would be where I am now, and what a journey it has been!!

I was at the point in my life were I just did not want to be here anymore and felt like I had no purpose in life, I was constantly battling with myself and always seeing the negative and bad in everything and anything, and just could not seem to found a way out, it got so bad that I had everything there ready to end my life and did not care who it would hurt when I did, until I reached out and asked for help.

Nearly 2 years later (even though I have only been blogging for a few months), and I am happier within myself, I have a small business that I love and enjoy doing, I am also working towards something for myself in the future that will hopefully be be the start of something amazing.

I have had some intense therapy session and have also done some inner child work, and will continue with the inner child work for as long as I am needing too, I no longer have counselling sessions as I have dealt with what I need to deal with I am now working on past traumas and learning to love myself again.

I have been doing a lot of self love and self care also as you can see from the picture, I look more happier and healthy and have a glow about me now, I am also learning who I am as a person and even though it has been hard and still is some days I just look at these picture and know I have come along way.

I am still doing my yoga and meditation but also have started to enjoy the littler things to, like going for a walk or enjoying a nice hot bubble bath, I have found I can be quite a funny person too which I never thought I was but seem to make others laugh.

I have also started to not pay attention to the criticism, and pay more attention to the positive, I have even learnt how to change the negatives of my day into positives and this helps me focus, I have also learnt to live for myself and not those that are around me.

I have set myself small goals for each day and one for each week that I would like to achieve, I am now at the stage where I am considering on setting a decent monthly goal, but nothing that can not be achieved at the moment.

Thank you everyone who has read, liked or commented on my blogs your support has been amazing and I will continue to keep blogging as I would still like to share my journey x

Daughter moves out

Well these last 2 weeks has been a mixture of emotions for me.

Firstly my mother-in-law got rushed to hospital and has been there for just over a week now, but I didn’t know what to do, felt like I was just getting in the way and not really helping or doing anything, so I just found myself cleaning and cooking and just running around to keep myself busy.

Then I come back home to find my daughter has moved out, and decided to not talk to me about it again, yes I was very hurt and upset about it, but she is an adult now and expecting her first baby so what can I do? And to top that off both my kids did not even bother to text to say happy Mother’s Day!

So have been battling all the negative thoughts that have been going through my head and feel like I have took a few steps back from where I was, I know I will get back there as I am working on myself of self love and also working on my inner child too.

Why? Because a lot of my hurt and torment comes from my childhood and there is a lot of work that I need to do, to be able to heal properly and to be able to move forward in a more positive and a more manageable manner.

Today when I went to get up out of bed, my hip gave way and ended up falling and hurting myself even more, but some strong pain killers and rest will help me get back on my feet quicker, I do really need to go get checked out but doctors say we can’t see you at the moment, so no doubt by the time I do get seen, I dread to think of the damage, and no doubt will get the you should of come and seen us sooner comment.

Any way I just thought I would give a quick update this week hope everyone else is doing ok?

Day One

Today I felt a slight spring in my step, and a skip of a beat.

I know that I am going to have bad days, but when they come I will focus on the positives of that day regardless of how small they may be, because at the end of the day I do not want to be were I was ever again.

I know it is up to me to keep me looking on the positive side but I am thankful to my friends and family that have been there to support me through this hard time I have been through even if they think they have not done anything, they have done more than they know and I want to thank you from the bottome of my heart.

I would also like to take this opportuntity to thank all you too, if it wasnt for you all reading this and liking and commenting I would not have got the followers I have and I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart too.

I am appreciating this journey I am taking and I am reflecting on each day as they come and go and this is helping me understand my triggers and root causes, but I am taking each day as it comes and I will continue to do so until I feel I am in a place where I can do more for not just myself but for others around me too.

My tutor asked us to describe our mood by the weather, and at the minute mine is hazy with the sunshine trying to come through and brighten everything around me.

The last 6 months

Has been a journey and a half with my mental health.

As you all know from reading my blogs I have been on a roller coaster of a ride with my mental health and I hit rock bottom which when I look back at my life from leaving school was gonna happen sooner or later in my life and in a way I am glad it happened when it did, why?

The reason for this is because, I have alays put other before myself, my kids, husband at the time, foster kids, other peoples kids and looking after them and doing everything around all that, and when I removed myself from all that and keeping myself busy to then moving away and starting a fresh everything started to creep in.

I let everything consume me and I let everything that had happened to me get the better of me and I was question everything including who I was.

I felt I had no purpose anymore and that I was just been a burden on everyone because of what was happening to me, I locked myself away, I stopped takling to those that matter to me the most, and most of all I pushed them away.

I have had to mend a lot of bridges and also plucked up the courage to talk to these people that matter the most about all these demons that were effecting my day to day life and why I was the way I was, which was a very hard and emtional roller coaster to do, some still do not understand and others are like so what I am still here regardless.

Every day I am thankful that I am alive and still able to now enjoy the little things and I do not plan and I do not make any committments if it is going to effect my mental state, the reason for this is I have a rountine and when I have tried to come away from that my mind starts to go into panic mode and I shut off.

At the end of everyday I think of all the positive things that have happened that day instead of all the things I have not done, and this has helped me alot.

I am taking everything one day at a time.