First week of April

Wanted to walk up Roseberry Topping, but body had other ideas and only made it to half way point, so glad I did as the view from here was just as phenomenal .

Well the month has started off to a great start, with things been sorted between me and my life partner, and I have now got a good relationship with my Mum.

As lockdown starts to look like we are having a light at the end of the tunnel as everything starts to ease and that we can start to see family and friends again (social distant) but I have also had my covid jab (1st one) and have been fine and had no side effects from it, which I was quite surprised as you hear so many horror stories about it and I am now just wondering if it is all just scare monger? but everyone has their own opinions about it all.

I decided to go to Roseberry Topping and realised that I am unfit and would need to train my body to be able to climb stuff like that, I thought I was going to collapse with not been able to breathe, but since then I have decided to stop smoking and start taking my body seriously and get into better shape, I am hoping to start this with doing at least an hours walking a day and the good thing about it is my fur baby is going to love it.

She lighted up the room when Lee smiled, even though I only saw her on tv, her energy was remarkable and I could feel that through the tv, may you rest in peace, and hope your family and everyone who knew you on a personal level finds peace too because to me you were blessed

Also the last few weeks I have been feeling a sense of lost as someone I do not know but felt like I knew her through her blog and that of Eamon and Bec, Lee took her life and the wave of loss over come me because I understood what she was going through and how hard it is to fight depression and to keep going and look on the positive side of life, and to me she was an inspiration, I do not know the full story of what happen, but the loss was unreal, it has never been something I have felt before and it shifted something inside of me, I can not describe it, but the fight to stay alive is stronger, as you have to fight everyday that wave of ending everything when you are in that place of darkness and feel no way out apart from ending the pain that you feel, when someone says something and you take it heart and ask yourself loads of questions and can not get out of that rut, I know the place all to well over the last 2-3 years and I think that is why I felt this loss more than I thought I would and my heart goes out to her family and all of her closest friends #speakupforLee I send you my deepest sympathy, and condolences.

Anyway on a lighter note I finally am getting to understand who I am and what I want out of the rest of my life, and that I am worth something to someone and that someone is myself, I am slowly learning to love myself again and I am slowly learning to love who I am as a person.

I am now loving life again and I have now got what I want to do with my life and where I want to go and I can not wait for the journey to beginning properly. I have started this journey already and I am doing a lot of inner child work and also learning at college doing my Level Two Counselling, I have now found a hobby I am enjoying also and it is something that I can enjoy with my life partner and also with his son as he has got into to, just bad side to it is that it is an expensive hobby but something that I can do for the rest of my life.

A rough week, but a good outcome

From bad to worse to amazing, that is how I can explain the last 2 weeks.

Do not get me wrong the week started off to a great start and I could of not been happier with myself or anyone around me, but then it started going downwards, my daughter moved her stuff out which did put me on a downer but not to the extreme I have been on, and was able to bounce back from it, but when your partner sees you as one thing when you are trying to rebuild yourself is a hard nut to crack.

It got to the point were we argued because he said I had lied to him, when in a actual fact he did not let me finish before jumping down my throat about it, and this lead to me saying that I had, had enough I was sick of going in circles, and he should just get his stuff and go.

He turned up and after he had finished work and gone to his mums, and we sat in silence for about 10 minutes ish before I started to speak, and i was strong and I was ready for him to walk out the door and for him to never come back and get on with my life, because I know the struggle I have gone through and I wasn’t letting him drag me backwards, until I saw his stuff on the bed and suitcases and I just walked back down stairs and cracked and broke down into floods of tears.

he came down a few moments later and asked how we was to move on from this, to which I said stop seeing me as a lier, and meet me on all levels, as I have stuck by him through everything, taken interested in all his hobbies and interests, and have been patient with him and even though some of the things he has said or done, I have kept my mouth shut, and let him get on with it.

As the evening went on we talked and I think we have sorted through everything, but I think only time will tell on that, but I have told him that I am a strong, funny, sarcastic, mouth works before brain kicks in and that I suffer with depression and anxiety and that is who I am, it is up to him now whether to accept it or not but I am been who I want to be and not someones expectations of me.

Well the weekend went really well after that, and managed to get a lot of walking and hiking done, as well as playing with RC Crawling which I secretly love, but it expensive, and meet up with a few people who are into also and filmed some of the scenes for my partners YouTube channel (Aron’s RC Adventures), but would mostly go and explore the woodlands around us, and to top that day of I found a crochet Octopus from random acts of crochet kinds (who are on Facebook) and loved finally meeting up with friends that we haven’t seen for a while, and to see our god son on his birthday, and we could not resist getting him a remote controlled car.

So the beginning of April was a bad start to the month but hoping that it will end on a high, and to those that read this, I hope you find the new and possible improved me good, because this is who I am now, bad and good, and if you don’t it won’t get to me like it used to because all that matters is my opinion of myself.

hope everyone has had a good easter weekend and will catch up with you all again soon, love and peace x

March 2021

Picture of me then and now 🥰

When I started blogging my mental health journey, back then I would never have thought I would be where I am now, and what a journey it has been!!

I was at the point in my life were I just did not want to be here anymore and felt like I had no purpose in life, I was constantly battling with myself and always seeing the negative and bad in everything and anything, and just could not seem to found a way out, it got so bad that I had everything there ready to end my life and did not care who it would hurt when I did, until I reached out and asked for help.

Nearly 2 years later (even though I have only been blogging for a few months), and I am happier within myself, I have a small business that I love and enjoy doing, I am also working towards something for myself in the future that will hopefully be be the start of something amazing.

I have had some intense therapy session and have also done some inner child work, and will continue with the inner child work for as long as I am needing too, I no longer have counselling sessions as I have dealt with what I need to deal with I am now working on past traumas and learning to love myself again.

I have been doing a lot of self love and self care also as you can see from the picture, I look more happier and healthy and have a glow about me now, I am also learning who I am as a person and even though it has been hard and still is some days I just look at these picture and know I have come along way.

I am still doing my yoga and meditation but also have started to enjoy the littler things to, like going for a walk or enjoying a nice hot bubble bath, I have found I can be quite a funny person too which I never thought I was but seem to make others laugh.

I have also started to not pay attention to the criticism, and pay more attention to the positive, I have even learnt how to change the negatives of my day into positives and this helps me focus, I have also learnt to live for myself and not those that are around me.

I have set myself small goals for each day and one for each week that I would like to achieve, I am now at the stage where I am considering on setting a decent monthly goal, but nothing that can not be achieved at the moment.

Thank you everyone who has read, liked or commented on my blogs your support has been amazing and I will continue to keep blogging as I would still like to share my journey x

Daughter moves out

Well these last 2 weeks has been a mixture of emotions for me.

Firstly my mother-in-law got rushed to hospital and has been there for just over a week now, but I didn’t know what to do, felt like I was just getting in the way and not really helping or doing anything, so I just found myself cleaning and cooking and just running around to keep myself busy.

Then I come back home to find my daughter has moved out, and decided to not talk to me about it again, yes I was very hurt and upset about it, but she is an adult now and expecting her first baby so what can I do? And to top that off both my kids did not even bother to text to say happy Mother’s Day!

So have been battling all the negative thoughts that have been going through my head and feel like I have took a few steps back from where I was, I know I will get back there as I am working on myself of self love and also working on my inner child too.

Why? Because a lot of my hurt and torment comes from my childhood and there is a lot of work that I need to do, to be able to heal properly and to be able to move forward in a more positive and a more manageable manner.

Today when I went to get up out of bed, my hip gave way and ended up falling and hurting myself even more, but some strong pain killers and rest will help me get back on my feet quicker, I do really need to go get checked out but doctors say we can’t see you at the moment, so no doubt by the time I do get seen, I dread to think of the damage, and no doubt will get the you should of come and seen us sooner comment.

Any way I just thought I would give a quick update this week hope everyone else is doing ok?

Day One

Today I felt a slight spring in my step, and a skip of a beat.

I know that I am going to have bad days, but when they come I will focus on the positives of that day regardless of how small they may be, because at the end of the day I do not want to be were I was ever again.

I know it is up to me to keep me looking on the positive side but I am thankful to my friends and family that have been there to support me through this hard time I have been through even if they think they have not done anything, they have done more than they know and I want to thank you from the bottome of my heart.

I would also like to take this opportuntity to thank all you too, if it wasnt for you all reading this and liking and commenting I would not have got the followers I have and I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart too.

I am appreciating this journey I am taking and I am reflecting on each day as they come and go and this is helping me understand my triggers and root causes, but I am taking each day as it comes and I will continue to do so until I feel I am in a place where I can do more for not just myself but for others around me too.

My tutor asked us to describe our mood by the weather, and at the minute mine is hazy with the sunshine trying to come through and brighten everything around me.

The last 6 months

Has been a journey and a half with my mental health.

As you all know from reading my blogs I have been on a roller coaster of a ride with my mental health and I hit rock bottom which when I look back at my life from leaving school was gonna happen sooner or later in my life and in a way I am glad it happened when it did, why?

The reason for this is because, I have alays put other before myself, my kids, husband at the time, foster kids, other peoples kids and looking after them and doing everything around all that, and when I removed myself from all that and keeping myself busy to then moving away and starting a fresh everything started to creep in.

I let everything consume me and I let everything that had happened to me get the better of me and I was question everything including who I was.

I felt I had no purpose anymore and that I was just been a burden on everyone because of what was happening to me, I locked myself away, I stopped takling to those that matter to me the most, and most of all I pushed them away.

I have had to mend a lot of bridges and also plucked up the courage to talk to these people that matter the most about all these demons that were effecting my day to day life and why I was the way I was, which was a very hard and emtional roller coaster to do, some still do not understand and others are like so what I am still here regardless.

Every day I am thankful that I am alive and still able to now enjoy the little things and I do not plan and I do not make any committments if it is going to effect my mental state, the reason for this is I have a rountine and when I have tried to come away from that my mind starts to go into panic mode and I shut off.

At the end of everyday I think of all the positive things that have happened that day instead of all the things I have not done, and this has helped me alot.

I am taking everything one day at a time.

Walking in to a positive mindset.

I have been going out everyday almost for the last 6 weeks.

I get up and get dressed and go out for a 15 minute walk on a morning before I have breakfast or think about what I am going to do for that day, I will come back and then have breakfast and think about what I am going to do for that day while I am eating.

When it gets to about 4pm UK time I will go out for a longer walk and we have some woodlands near where i live and will go round there and find different rountes to take. My fur baby is loving it because he is getting walked twice a day and I am getting the excerise I need.

I have found that since I am doing this it has helped me look at things different and found myself taking pictures of what I see and then posting them on instagram.

The other morning when we was walking through the woodlands the sun was shining and you could see the beams of light coming through so I took my phone out to see if I could capture it and it sort of did but I was happy in that moment, I felt at peace and ease with myself.

I feel good when I am surrounded by nature, and this might sound weird to most but I feel like I should be in a forest living because I can think more clearly, feel everything around me like nothing can touch me in that moment.

Changing what I am eating.

This is just some of the food that I have been eating, and I already feeling more healthy, isn’t it weird on how much food has an impact on how you feel?

I havent gone vegan or anything at the minute but I am not dismissing the idea either, I am just going with the flow of what I eat but at the minute, I am enjoying the fruit and veg I am eating and willing to give alot of food that I have never tried like advocado, it has never been something I have ever tried because it has not appealed to me and now I can not get enough of it, it is so tasty with a salad, I feel like it is having a party in my mouth hahahahahaha.

I have also bought a squash to try but thinking of making into a spagetti as seen it been done on a YouTube video I have seen so going to be having that for tea tonight and I will add a picture in another blog and let you know my thoughts on that.

Anyway as I was saying, I am finding I am having more energy and feeling fresh on a morning, I am still taking my tablets to help me sleep though but hoping by changing how I am feeling and eating, I should be able to come off them by the end of the year that is my goal anyway.

I have not set myself many long term goals just 2-3 that are managable and that I know I will achieve, the rest of my goals are daily and I will write them down the day before, before I go to sleep so that way when I wake up I can look at them and see which ones I actually want to do that day and think about the others for another day but not dismiss them totally if I can do them all in that day I feel a sense of accomplishment, and pride for doing everything.

Feeling more positive.

In the above pictures is a before and after of me when I was at my worse and how I am now and OMG I did not think I would look different but the positive feelings I am having have so changed how I am looking at myself.

The last few weeks I have been focusing on my mental health and looking at what have been eating and my look on life and I was always the one that looked at the negative stuff instead of appreticating what I have actually got.

I would always focus on the negative stuff and always think the worse case of every situtation, and this would drag everyone around me down and eventually noone wanted to be round me or want to talk to me because I would be negative in my answers and then when I would look back and think I should of not said what I said or the actions I did.

I have slowly over the last few weeks, have turned that round and instead of focusing on the negative I have reflected more on the positive things I have. I am thankful I have a roof over my head and can put food on the table, which is a big step for me because I would always worry that I would lose my house and where would I get the money from to put the food on the table and since I have looked at what I have got, I have more time and I have more than most have and to me I appreticative of this.

I have started listening to music more and I am also listening to people on podcast (how have I not listened to podcasts before), I am currently listening to reroot by eamon and bec and they have been so helpful with some of things they talk about and how to reflect on the positive things in your life and to appreiate what you have in the here and now, and listening to the spiritual people on there has been a light blub moment for me and I would like to thank them for helping me through a bad time in my life by just been so positive and unlifting, and making me smile at the silly things again.

I am looking forward to been able to get out in the campervan again and travelling when we are able to and to appreicate my surrounds more and seeing the world through a fresh set of eyes and picking up my camera and capturing them moments again, and blogging about all the good times that are to come, and sharing that with you all.

Sorry not been Blogging

Have been focusing on myself and getting myself into a positive mindset.

The last few weeks have been and up and down, but I am having more good positive day than bad ones which is a plus side, but this week I have struggled to find any motivation, to actully do anything.

The last few weeks I have got up walked my furbaby morning and night, I have eaten healthly and had a few cheat days as they are called, but nothing to bad. I have been doing Yoga and meditiation everyday, I have even got a skin care routine, and my skin is looking fresh and amazing.

But this week I have taken the dog out and still eaten health but I have just not go any motivation to do anything else, I am finding myself bored and just walking round the house thinking I really need to get it all sorted and wanting to redecorate.

I have nearly paid off all my debts because any spare money I have had I have put into those, only got afew things left to pay and that will be everything paid off, which is a big relief.

I have also made time to facetime my friends and family, which has been great for me keeping intouch, wish I had done it sooner to be honest but wasnt in the right frame of mind. I have also started doing Body Shop which is helping me have something to focus on, and I am enjoying too.

I have also started college too, which was a bit mindblowning as it was online and not in a classroom and my head could not get round that, but it was fun and hoping to make some amazing friends in the profession I have chosen.

Hope everyone is doing well?? Will try and do a weekly blog just so I am not putting to much pressure on myself, but at the same time wanting to share the positive parts of me now that you have all read the worst, I want to start sharing the best of me too.

I would like to thank each and everyone of you thank you for joining me on this journey and continuing to do so, it makes this blog more enjoyable 🙂