2nd week of July

Had my Exam this week which has had me stressing and feeling very nervous.

Things have been a busy and hectic week this week as we had my partners mums 70th birthday and we through it as a surprise. Everything turned out really good too which was nice and wasn’t as stressful as I thought it might of been. It did help that we bought finger foods for everyone to have and paper plates so we didn’t have to wash up after everyone and we could just put everything in the bin. Also the majority of the food got eaten which was good and his mum got the cake she wanted which was a fruit cake.

Feeling a bit of the pressure from this week with the exam and the party and then having to go to the hospital for the results of my hearing test, which are all good and fine just a bit of detonation but nothing that is serious but if anything with my hearing to just get referred back and I will have more tests done.

Did my last review for college this week and all i have todo now is wait for that to come back so I can put it into my folder and hand my folder in and then just wait to see if I have past and wont find out if i have past my exam till September. Good thing is that I have already been accepted for my level 3 for September and I am so excited to be starting that one because it goes more in-depth with all the theories.

I have had a thought this week about maybe writing a book, well I have started writing one but need to make more of an effort with it and get writing more on it as i have loads of short stories that me and my partner have wrote together and thinking of putting them into a short story book and on some of them adding more to them to make them into longer stories.

This week I have also tried to do a bit of exercise as feeling the weight on me now and I am also getting unhappy with my weight. It is hard to move about some days because of my back as can not walk very far these days but hoping it will improve with doing some light exercises so that way i can strengthen everything back up and then when I have my operation i will be able to move about a bit more easily.

Have also been doing a lot of thinking this week about everything I have in my house and really want to give it a good de-clutter and get rid of everything that is not needed and only keep what we use and need until we move out and go full time van life and go explore the world. As really can not wait to do this and the more I think about it the more I want to do it now but know that it is not possible at the minute with me been at college and then going to uni to do my degree but as soon as that is all done then everything is going or going into storage and then bye bye uk and hello world.

When we are out and about in the van all my worries and stress and everything else i have seem to not disappear but be a lot more calmer and more manageable and when we are exploring woodlands or abandoned places or going to the beach I can recharge and think more clearly. I am able to be more myself because of been less stressed and worried about what society expects of me and that I can be free from it.

June/July

This week has not been to bad.

Had an hospital appointment half way through the week to finally get my tummy seen to and hopefully get a date for an operation to get this mesh out. This was a very informative appointment and now i have to wait for a specialist from Newcastle hospital. So do not know how long I am going to have to wait for that to come through but hopefully it wont be to long.

A lot has been going through my mind lately and I have a lot to sort through and still not sure how I am able to deal with a lot of it. But I am slowly sorting through and I am slowly learning that I am strong enough to deal with what is going on in my head as well as my past. Hoping to make all the things I have had to deal with in my life come to and end and be able to breathe with ease.

I have talked about a few of my triggers and where they have come from but there is still a lot that i need to talk about from my childhood. Even though I do not remember much of my child hood I am starting to think that, that may be I do not want to remember everything and the memories I do have have is to sort through the bad ones and embrace the good ones more.

Finally got to meet my granddaughter and oh my days she is a stunner, full of smiles and laughs already and making noises which is so cute. Other than that nothing much more to report on my daughter and granddaughter.

I am still finding it hard to confront when it is need with certain people, and I am not sure how I am going to be able to get to my root cause of this because I think it is a number of things but I can not pin point it just yet so when I get to that I will write about it.

Sorry this is short and sweet head just not in to writing at the moment.

3rd week of June

To continue from last weeks blog of finding my root cause of why I have been like I have.

With me doing the counselling course I am finding that I have a lot to undo from growing up and most of it is a walk in the park but others are going to be a tough nut to crack. I know that I will get through each stage and I know I will become stronger and I know that it is going to be a long road and a lot of self discovery but this blog helps me to be able to going back over of how I once was to how far I have come.

Another thing that I have had to deal with is trust and this has been a big issue with me even from been little. I only had my mum, my step-dad and siblings in my life when I was growing up because did not really get to see other family members. Now I do not know why that is because my mum would always tell us who is who through pictures and what not but we never really saw them once my brothers was born. Part of me thinks this was down to my step-dad been controlling and abusive towards us all and did not trust my mum going anywhere without him or he would start an argument and it would always lead to been physical towards my mum.

So this did not help me with my trust towards men because I always thought that was how a relationship worked. It did not help that these were the relationships I entered into because like I said in my last post I thought it was normal. But to later find out that this is not the case. I do have a hard time trusting anyone and not just men.

The reason for this is because, I have people abuse my trust and turn their back on me when I needed it the most. For example when I was been abused my daughters father and I was walking to my mums house with my daughter in the pushchair and he chased after me and pinned me to a tree and said that I was not allowed to take my daughter anywhere without his say so, and took my daughter back with him and I went to my mums crying my eyes out. At first she was fuming and stormed down to the house and returned about an hour later and said I was to stop making up lies and to stop been a pathetic little girl. This was just the first of many things that I would have to face, been made out to be a lier and this was later used against me in court.

The one person I needed more than anything turned her back on me just so she could keep the peace. This started more so when she chose my step-dad when things weren’t going in his favour and she told me I either sort myself out or leave and then again when everything kicked of with my daughters dad so she could still see her grandchild, and I was left to defend for myself saying “you made your bed now lie in it”. Definitely not what you want to hear when you are having to with an abusive partner, and wanting my mum thinking she would be there for me no matter what. Not to recently she has done the same again, only this time it is with my grandchild and daughter, and I got I am sorry but I am not going through what I have just gone through with your brother. Now I made out I was not bother but in actual fact it was like history repeating itself.

Yes she is very vocal and can always speak before she thinks of the consequences of who it will affect and this is her downfall, because as long as she gets what she wants and is happy it does not matter who it is going to hurt, I do understand some of reasons but not all of them and this is something I think she needs to work on, but that is just me. Do not get me wrong I love my mum zillions but there are somethings I do not agree on but I am always to afraid of to tell her and I do not know why? Maybe afraid of the arguments, the confrontation and the fall out because that is all it has ever been growing up, and you get to a point you can not take anymore and I am at that point. I know that it will be the same this time but that is not on me.

So as you can see I do not trust easily, because I have not been around it and have to learn to trust and it has been a long road and I am still on that road. But I have learnt a lot about myself and I know a lot of people will either agree or disagree and I know for certain my mum will either fallout with me or not talk to me for months, yet again because of what I am writing but this just proves my point (sorry mum). Yes maybe I should of talked to my mum about all this but as much as I love my mum I am also afraid of her (this I am still trying find the actual root cause of).

Will this blog here for now and carry this on, on the next one as there are a few other things I will be sharing and yes maybe it is wrong to be sharing so much personal stuff about myself but for me this is my release and helps more than i would of thought possible. Thank you for reading, and wanting to get to know me better.

2nd week June

This week started off really good. I spent some quality time with my partner which was very much needed. once he went back to work though I have not slept very good at all this week. I also had my second jab and I have been fine with both of them so that is plus.

Because I have not been sleeping very well, I also have not really eaten properly because my body clock is out of whack, but I am drinking plenty so thats all good, I suppose. Also did my first youtube video for our vanlife weekends away, which was a fun learning curve to do. Was harder than I thought it was going to be but I think I did ok.

I am still taking my tablets and going to sleep ok but then I will wake up about 2/3 hours later and be awake for the rest of the night. I am not overthinking anything and I am not really stressing about anything either, but I am having weird dreams of were I am in a room and it is dark, there is a voice that is deep but I can not make the words out. Sometimes there are lots of people in this dark room with me other times I am alone and then other times it is like I am watching TV of my life and seeing everything I do not want to see and things happening that I do not want to happen. Sometimes they can be very sexual and very intense. I wake up feeling cold but yet sweating from either of the dreams and feel like I have someone hovering over my skin.

I was reading something somewhere the other day about someone wanting to kill themselves but not actually doing it because of reasons to stay alive and I sat there and thought I have always felt like that but never said it out loud or to anyone and it was like reading what I was thinking as if I had actually wrote it and it freaked me out a little. As it was like someone was pulling all these thoughts out of my head onto this piece of written work for all to see.

I find it hard to actually write what is going on in my head sometimes because of fear. I know I need to actually speak about them but I know there are some who would not like what I would say if I was to write what I was thinking and that is the fear I have to face and it is harder to deal with than what I want to say. Some people I can be brutally honest to and not hide who I am from them, and then there are others that I would rather go lock myself into a box and hide than rather say anything to them. I have so many fears that even though I am dealing with each one when I am ready to, it still does not make it any easier when I do.

Was supposed to see my daughter and granddaughter this week but I had my jab the same day I was meeting them and did not want to drive with how I felt after it last time (server headache and disoriented), just did not want to take that chance. I asked if we could rearrange and waited nearly 24 hours before I got a reply from her and then to be told “will have to see what my partner is working next week”. What has annoyed me and proper ticked me off more than anything is she wants to meet somewhere mutual but yet my mother can know where she lives and go see the baby anytime she wants to. This I still find hard to swallow, how much more hurt do my kids want to put me through?

The rage I have building inside of me because of what is going on is getting to be unbearable and I am at the stage where I just feel like telling everyone to just f**k off and leave me alone that way I can not be hurt anymore if I do get hurt it will be down to me because I would not have anyone else. What is the point of trying when the other person does not try?

1st week of June

Has been a weird week this week. I have found a few root causes to some of my anxiety and depression I have and it has been a bit of a game changer to be honest.

As I am learning more about myself through this course I am doing it is becoming clear to me on what my life goals are and what I need to do, to be able to make them happen. First though I have to put somethings in order with myself before I can fully move on and this is going to be a big task to do and a lot of fear facing also.

I am trying to be more organised with my life and house but summer is just around the corner and I want to go so many places but I know I need to sort money side of things out first. It is hard though when you have weekends away, birthdays, and trying to save so you can do those things is pretty hard to do when your not in that frame of mind to do so.

I have also not really done my review for college this week because I just can not get my head in the game of it. When I have sat down to do it, it is like I am just writing a load of jibber jabber and I keep getting pulled up on my grammar and punctuation, which is annoy the poo out of me. I feel like the tutor just does not have the time of day to actually help me and seems to pick on every flaw or fault I make. I have tried to ignore it but now it is becoming an elephant in the room. I know I am not reading to much into really because of how she is in the classroom and if someone is wanting help she will gladly guide them and when I ask I get everything is on the teams and you can get that information from there and use your logbook to guide you. It is so frustrating and demoralising and it makes me feel like I am back at school. Like they think I am super smart or dumb and just do not have the time to reassure I am on the right track.

I still have not seen my granddaughter yet and she will be 3 weeks old this week. When I text I am getting very few replies or will be waiting hours sometimes days for a reply. I am at the stage that I really do not want to chase people for their attention, especially my kids. When I look at mine and my mums relationship we was close when I was growing up, until certain events happened, and it changed everything. But I still at least made an effort with her.

When I think about it though I have always done the chasing for people, I have always tried too hard to keep people in my life when they did not want to be, and I know this is because i have that fear of been alone. I am done with everything at the minute. Might have a few days away from everything and forget who I am, because right now everything is getting too much for me to handle.

Sleep seems to come and go when it wants to and the bad dreams are starting up again. I just do not feel like I have got my s**t together right now. Too many raw feelings too many memories to deal with, just too much of everything.

3rd week of June

This week has been a tough week for me for a number of reasons that have been hard to swallow and except.

Over the last few weeks I have learnt more about myself then I have ever in my life previously and it has been hard to except that. As I walk this journey, I am learning that a lot of my demons are from my past and having to deal with them makes you feel vulnerable and open. To the point that I have cried and been angry at myself for letting my past rule me for so long and been afraid of who I am. I have had to deal with my daddy issues or lack of a dad in my life and having a mum who wants to give you this best but trying to control what happens in your life as you are growing up. Having siblings who are annoying and yet loving but also fall out with you instead of solving the problems and this is because of how we have been brought up. Been told that noone wants to be part of your life and been brought up with verbal and physical abuse can take its toll on someone and thinking that this is norm for a family and relationships, is not the best. But my mum did her best and what was right to protect us at the time but as I have got older this maybe not the case. I know that she will read this and disagree with this, but this is my life and how I grown up.

Don’t get me wrong I love both my parents, even if they do not see eye to eye because of what happened between them, a long time ago, but whatever happened, happened and I no longer need to know the facts, because I have both of them in my life, and I am thankful that I still have both my parents who love me.

It has not always been that way though. I would lie a lot to my mum when I was growing up and my siblings would get the brute end of it when I did but it would work the other way round too. I would end up grounded most of the time because I am older and should know better, when in actual fact no I did not because I was a child and so was they. We grow up having a step-dad who loved us like his own until my brothers came along and then me and my sister was pushed to one side and would get shouted at a lot or a smacked arsed if we annoyed him. My mum would just get on with everything because she had 2 little children that took all her time and energy. She would be exhausted and snappy because of the demand from us all. I do not remember much of my childhood but I think that is for the best to be honest because I do not have to deal with to much of my past.

It is hard to talk sort of openly about my past, but I know I can not move forward if I do not. Take for instance my dad not been in my life and been told that he did not want anything to do with me or my sister, means that it is my root cause of men are a**eholes. To add to that my step-dad turning his back on me and my sister when my brothers came into the world added to this and then the abuse we suffered from him added more to that again. I do not blame anyone for this, because at the end of the day it is in the past now and it can not be rectified, but it did teach me that all men are a**eholes.

I did not help this either when I got into abusive relationship after another for many years because I thought that it was normal. It is now that I know that it is was how I was brought up that made me have this stereotype and prejudice towards men, and because I now know this, my perspective has changed slightly. It has helped that I have had a few relationships were men haven’t treated me like a punch bag or hurdle abuse at me and it because of these men that I will be thankful for especially the one I am with currently. He has become my rock and my sounding board and I do not hide any part of me from him because he loves me, all of me even the ugly parts of me, and this makes me feel very blessed and thankful.

Now I know certain people will not agree with me on what I have said but this is my experience and my dealings and that is not on me for you to feel the way you that is to do with you. As a friend once said to me “that is not a me problem it is a you problem”.

There are a lot of things I am working through but still finding my root cause of it and somethings that I have worked through I still do not want to admit to or share just yet. I am slowly learning to love all of the parts even the ugly ones too, of myself because if I do not then how can I let anyone else love me? At the end of the day this journey I am on is to help my own mental wellbeing and to understand why and where it has stemmed from, and even though it is going to be a long process I know that at the end of it, it is going to be worth it.

Self love and care is not been selfish but necessary.

To let someone in, you first have to place your cards on the table, to understand for yourself about yourself, because if you don’t how can anyone else?

4th week of May

this week has been a rollercoaster!

I did my presentation was feeling sick and very nervous about it as the group that went before me but way more information and links and even added a youtube video to it which did not help with how I was feeling but was able to recite all of it without my notes as left them at home!! I did get some really good feedback from it and now I know what I would need to do for my next one when I process onto another level.

I also got my printer sorted but ended up putting a some money towards a new one because they did not have the same one in as it had been recalled (something to do with a faulty power connection which would explain why mine kept been funny and having to turn it on and off every time I wanted to print something, which did get frustrating but I just persevered with it as needed it for college stuff.

I cleaned my house from top to bottom and did all the washing that I had been putting off as I would only wash what I needed and leave the rest but everything is washed dried and put away so I now have clothes again and towels as would just use it and then put it in the wash basket and then when I needed another one I would just get another out and knew I needed to the washing as had no towels left!!

Also did something out of my comfort zone abit this week and did some tictoc videos but had so much fun doing them. I found that it helped when I was feeling a bit low and needed cheering up and I had to giggle at one of them way more than i should have but it helped with the happy chemicals and set my mood up again.

I also snapped at my partner this week for no reason but that was because I have not been sleeping very well and when I put the phone down I kicked myself for snapping and putting the phone down on him. I felt it for a bit as I needed to get myself together before speaking to him again. When I did he was offish with me but that is understandable.

I also redid my nails as they had grown so much that I hadn’t realised with been so busy doing college work and other stuff that I have sort of neglected my selfcare.

This weekend I have had some time to self reflect on a lot of what and who has shaped my life from been born to now. I have also done a lot of work of finding the root cause of a lot of who I am or was and have realised that I am not who they think I am or who I thought I was. I have listened to people a lot lately and actually listened to them and some of the things they have said to me and thought, “that is not me, that is not what I believe in, that is no longer the person I am/was”.

It has taken some time to realise that I do not believe every person is the same that every person is unique in their own way and that everyone even if they have had a similar experience does not feel or think the same way as I do or as the next person in the line. I have also learnt a lot about myself this weekend and that I can talk about my past and it does not affect me the way it used to, and this has brought some peace to a lot of my storm. My thought process has changed as well, I am no longer letting my past define who I am and I am giving myself a blank slate to work from and become the person I want to be and not how I think I should be or by what others think of me. I have my own beliefs and my own network of thoughts and feelings and I feel that someone is invading my space or not helping with myself I am going to speak up and say something instead of just keeping my mouth shut and letting people walk all over and take advantage of my kindness and caring nature.

Do not get me wrong I will still help as and were I can but if I feel that they are taking advantage of me then I will stop and will distance myself from that person to be able to re-centre myself as my own self worth and my own self care is more important than somebody else’s because if I do not look after myself and my own self worth then I am no good to no one and this would then just put them down with me.

3rd week of May

Still feeling at a loose end at the minute, and my head is still a bit battered from everything that has happened from last week.

Managed to finally get my presentation done for college, well for people to finally get back in touch with me anyways, still got to type it all up and then on top of that I now have an assignment to do and not long to do it, so now I am stressing slightly over that because that means I am going to have to do more than I can swallow. Have not been under pressure for a while so it is going to be a task in itself to see how far I have actually come or whether I have taken on more than I can chew?!?!?

things still have improved with my daughter but they haven’t got any worse either, but I know I have decided to leave it up to her to get in touch and if she does not well I am not wasting my energy on something that does not need it and if she does reach out then it will be a bonus, I suppose?

Have not slept properly this week either and I am still taking my meds and I am going to sleep but the problem is, if I wake up through the night I am lying there wide awake and tossing and turning and I can not switch off, I have tried to speak to the Doctor but they are still not doing face to face appointments, yet.

Also think I took my partner by surprise at the weekend, because he said that I could do the video for our camper-van channel, and I said no I do not want to, the reason being is when I asked to do it a few weeks ago he said no because youtube was his domain, and we do the social media and I do the blog for that and for this, so I was like oh ok, I will just video everything then, but when he said it at the weekend I was thinking why? But also, I am not doing something when he had already told me no I can not, yes I did want to learn but I will just stick to blogging, besides I enjoy it, yeah it might not mean a lot to someone else but to me it is a release, almost like having a diary.

I also wrote a song I think, it came to me when I was having trouble sleeping and wrote it down before it disappeared, but that will be a working progress as I can not sing for toffee, but at this precise moment I am just enjoying everything I am doing no matter how small or big it is, even the college stuff, because it is keeping me busy and keeping my mind from exploding some days, keeps all the chaos that is going on in there organised, for now anyway.

Everything is starting to feel normal again by the end of this week, as I have accept the fact that I am not going to be able to see my grandchild in the foreseeable future and that my Daughter is not replying to my messages, despite the excuses she has given to someone else but can not tell me, so I am not even going to try with her anymore, she knows where I am and she knows how to get hold of me so everything is left up to her to decide what happens next, and yes this could be a huge responsibility for her to have but at the end of the day I am a mum not someone who can be treated like a rag doll and be picked up and put down when it suits.

My presentation is going ok for college but have but more information then is necessary so having to go back over and downsize it and need to ring and get some more information from them so that I can just make some of it look more presentable. well speaking of my presentation I have done it now to present it on Monday!!

I also got an assignment to do which I have also done this weekend, which I still have to add more to, because it has to be 2000 words and have only done half of that and answered all the questions so need to go over it and add more to it which is going to hard to do but no doubt I will do it.

Also had a good talk about my college stuff with my mum and blagged both of our heads with some of the answers I have put on some of my work, so need to go back over them and reword them, but we had a good giggle about it which was good.

The weather has been rubbish all week and weekend but at least my garden wont need watering with the amount of rain we have had, but once the warmer comes I will need to get out and water it everyday to help the grass seed grow. Can not wait till it is grown as my front garden will look nice again.

Of all things to go wrong before college is not been able to print off my presentation as the printer has decided to stop working altogether and will not even turn on now hopefully I can just take it back and either exchange it or get a refund because it is a load of rubbish as I am constantly having to keep turning off and then turning it back on to be able to print what I need for college and it is getting beyond a joke now, to the point of now I am stressing out for no reason over it, so I am hoping I am going to be able to print it off from college and get everything I need ready.

2nd week of May

The week started off a bit off ish to be honest.

My partner and I had a bit of a, shall we say, a childish heated texts, and I am still mad at him for making me out to be like my mother!! (which he still has not apologised for), and he spat his dummy out because I created my own RC crawling insta and youtube channel and said that I was taking the one thing that was his away from him, so I said ok no worries and deleted them because I did not want him to feel I was and that I would no longer do RC crawling anymore because it is his thing, and he did say that I could still do it with him but I do not want to anymore as he has taken the fun out of it for me, but he wont see that, especially when I was trying to be understanding but to him I spat my dummy out!! And no doubt as he is reading this he will have his say like he always does, or he will go in a mood with me because that is not how it went but this is my blog and I can express my feelings on here, as that is what I created this for in the first place, and to talk about my mental health.

So that is how I started the week off.

Had a good day at college and found something interesting about myself about prejudice and stereotyping and I have never thought that I did but when I have looked into deeper I do and this was a big eye opener for me because I did not know have strongly I felt about something, until doing this exercise.

Also I have a presentation to do on what services are available in our area for the field I am researching, which is proving to be very interesting and really am thinking of going down this route, the gentleman on the other end of the phone was very helpful and gave me websites and books to look at, he also helped with answering my questions and a few more than was necessary but I was very intrigued about it all, as did not know just how in-depth it could be. Just hope that I can now keep a straight face when doing my presentation in 2 weeks!!

My tummy has also settled down now and I am slowly eating again without having to worry about throwing it back up. I also decided that I did not want my red hair anymore so bought some colour remover for my hair and now I am ginger with dark roots but I am liking it so will just let it grow out, while I think about what I want to do with it, as wanting something different but not quite sure what as of yet.

My son seems to be enjoying work so that is a bonus and he does his own uniform unless I am doing a wash load then I will just put it in with that, have had to tell him off once or twice for been allowed on his playstation but that is nothing new at the minute, he has started to help round the house more too which is a big help as some days I really do not want to anything but I think he is becoming more understanding of my mental health and that I will have off days.

My Daughter gave birth this week to a health baby girl, but I am not allowed to go see them, my Mum came to visit this week also and she was able to go see them but I was not allowed to go which I am still trying to get my head around on why?? I am not gonna lie it hurts really bad, and I do not know how to deal with it internally, because why can my Mum go but not me?? Why do I have to stay away?? What have I done wrong?? Part of me knew this was going to happen but just did not want to face it but now I am gonna have to and I am going to have to try and just realise the fact that I have a Grandchild that I am not going to be able to be part of their life and not see her grow up, and I am not gonna be able to be the Grandma I wanted to be and that is the fact of it whether I like it or not.

Everything seems to be getting to much again just lately but I do not know if that is because of me been ill last week, or with what everything that is going on, and just can not seem to find the energy to do anything and seem to get the shakes when I have eaten like I want to throw up again, but only getting the feeling and not actually been sick so that is ok but hate the feel just as much as been sick.

I feel like I am sinking backwards again just when everything was starting to get in a good place, and everything was looking good and bright again, yes I am trying to stay positive and smile but how can I when my family is broken and wont even talk about it and rather hide behind something or someone else, it hurts really bad, more than I would like to admit, but how I am to talk to someone if they wont talk because they are so wrapped up in what they believe to their perfect life?? and when I do try to talk about it I am the one causing trouble or stress.

Well that sums up the week I have had which i feel like I have taken 2 steps forward and 6 backwards to be fair, but I shall still smile and pretend that everything is ok to everyone else because it is better than having arguments, and I am sick of arguments and banging my head from a brick wall.

First week of May

What a great way to start the month with a weekend away which you will have already seen in my last post.

I seemed to have fallen out with my Daughter over something that just did not need to fall out over, but she is due her baby this week and said that i was causing her and the baby stress, and all i wanted to do is go see her, but she said she couldn’t because of her partners child and the something around him but i would of been going to see her when he would of been at school anyway so I still can not get my head around it. (She knows where I am, just depends if she visits after she has had the baby or not).

Also having a few other Family issues and to be honest about it all everyone just needs to swallow their pride and stop been childish (myself included), also it boils my pee when people use kids as weapons against them just because they can and know that it will destroy them (kids are not weapons they are little people who rely on their parents and extended family to support them through life and not make them isolated from everyone) or start causing trouble because they can not get their own way or because they are happy and settling down with someone else, so they like to cause trouble instead, and stir the pot even more, there is just no need for it.

Despite that I am slowly loving life again, and loving how everything is slowly coming together in other areas of my life, I handed in my notice, to concentrate on myself and my future goals, big move to make but I know it is going to be worth it in the long run. I have applied for another job but that is volunteering for a few hours a week, so fingers crossed.

Me and my Partner are doing really well and we have not yet wanted to bite each others heads off (yet), so I must be doing something right there, I think the ease of lockdown is helping with that because we can go out a bit more now and we can start to make plans for where we want to go and who we want to meet and we are getting back to a better version of us and I am loving it.

I have also made a start on building my RC crawling this week also, but got stopped before I could even get anywhere as got a part missing, and checked all the bags that came in the box but it is nowhere to be found.

I also bought a fancy tool to help with the dog hair in my house so dehaired, hoovered and washed my carpets this week and my house smells amazing now and everywhere looks clean and tidy again, but, how long for? Will also bath my furbaby next week, hopefully the weather will be nicer then, as we have has sun, rain and snow with strong freezing winds.

With doing the carpets I have hurt my back alot and have tried to keep moving but everytime I put pressure on my right leg I get a sharp pain at the bottom of my back and then down my leg and will be be like this everytime, it is no fun I can tell you.

Had an eye test this week, and my eyes have gotten worse since I last went 3 years ago, so will be picking them up next week all been well.

Was in bed most of the weekend with the sickness and diaorrea bug which was not fun in the slightest, not nice not knowing which end it is going to come out of and if I was lucky it would do both (not a nice picture I know), the pain in my tummy was immense and felt like I was been punched repeatedly because of it, wish I could say that I looked like I lost weight but instead i expanded like a balloon and my clothes felt to tight to wear which did not help with the tummy pain so ended up wearing the lose clothing i could find which was my PJ’s and spent all weekend in them.

My Son has been helpful as and were he can, made sure I had plenty of water, and cleaned up were he could, and still went to work, it has been a long time since my son has thought of someone other than himself, but then again I am feeling poorly so I know it won’t last long. He decided to make a Sunday Dinner for us but i could only manage a few mouthfuls as got the sickly feeling back and did not want to push it too far.

My partner spent the weekend with his Son and his Mum, as a few weeks ago she fractured above her hip and could not move with the pain she was in and now she is slowly getting back on her feet and soon will be able to drive again. They went out with their RC Crawlers (My Partner and his Son), and I know that his Son loves the time he spends with his dad, and I find it cute when he says “I love you Dad”.