1st week of June

Has been a weird week this week. I have found a few root causes to some of my anxiety and depression I have and it has been a bit of a game changer to be honest.

As I am learning more about myself through this course I am doing it is becoming clear to me on what my life goals are and what I need to do, to be able to make them happen. First though I have to put somethings in order with myself before I can fully move on and this is going to be a big task to do and a lot of fear facing also.

I am trying to be more organised with my life and house but summer is just around the corner and I want to go so many places but I know I need to sort money side of things out first. It is hard though when you have weekends away, birthdays, and trying to save so you can do those things is pretty hard to do when your not in that frame of mind to do so.

I have also not really done my review for college this week because I just can not get my head in the game of it. When I have sat down to do it, it is like I am just writing a load of jibber jabber and I keep getting pulled up on my grammar and punctuation, which is annoy the poo out of me. I feel like the tutor just does not have the time of day to actually help me and seems to pick on every flaw or fault I make. I have tried to ignore it but now it is becoming an elephant in the room. I know I am not reading to much into really because of how she is in the classroom and if someone is wanting help she will gladly guide them and when I ask I get everything is on the teams and you can get that information from there and use your logbook to guide you. It is so frustrating and demoralising and it makes me feel like I am back at school. Like they think I am super smart or dumb and just do not have the time to reassure I am on the right track.

I still have not seen my granddaughter yet and she will be 3 weeks old this week. When I text I am getting very few replies or will be waiting hours sometimes days for a reply. I am at the stage that I really do not want to chase people for their attention, especially my kids. When I look at mine and my mums relationship we was close when I was growing up, until certain events happened, and it changed everything. But I still at least made an effort with her.

When I think about it though I have always done the chasing for people, I have always tried too hard to keep people in my life when they did not want to be, and I know this is because i have that fear of been alone. I am done with everything at the minute. Might have a few days away from everything and forget who I am, because right now everything is getting too much for me to handle.

Sleep seems to come and go when it wants to and the bad dreams are starting up again. I just do not feel like I have got my s**t together right now. Too many raw feelings too many memories to deal with, just too much of everything.

4th week of May

this week has been a rollercoaster!

I did my presentation was feeling sick and very nervous about it as the group that went before me but way more information and links and even added a youtube video to it which did not help with how I was feeling but was able to recite all of it without my notes as left them at home!! I did get some really good feedback from it and now I know what I would need to do for my next one when I process onto another level.

I also got my printer sorted but ended up putting a some money towards a new one because they did not have the same one in as it had been recalled (something to do with a faulty power connection which would explain why mine kept been funny and having to turn it on and off every time I wanted to print something, which did get frustrating but I just persevered with it as needed it for college stuff.

I cleaned my house from top to bottom and did all the washing that I had been putting off as I would only wash what I needed and leave the rest but everything is washed dried and put away so I now have clothes again and towels as would just use it and then put it in the wash basket and then when I needed another one I would just get another out and knew I needed to the washing as had no towels left!!

Also did something out of my comfort zone abit this week and did some tictoc videos but had so much fun doing them. I found that it helped when I was feeling a bit low and needed cheering up and I had to giggle at one of them way more than i should have but it helped with the happy chemicals and set my mood up again.

I also snapped at my partner this week for no reason but that was because I have not been sleeping very well and when I put the phone down I kicked myself for snapping and putting the phone down on him. I felt it for a bit as I needed to get myself together before speaking to him again. When I did he was offish with me but that is understandable.

I also redid my nails as they had grown so much that I hadn’t realised with been so busy doing college work and other stuff that I have sort of neglected my selfcare.

This weekend I have had some time to self reflect on a lot of what and who has shaped my life from been born to now. I have also done a lot of work of finding the root cause of a lot of who I am or was and have realised that I am not who they think I am or who I thought I was. I have listened to people a lot lately and actually listened to them and some of the things they have said to me and thought, “that is not me, that is not what I believe in, that is no longer the person I am/was”.

It has taken some time to realise that I do not believe every person is the same that every person is unique in their own way and that everyone even if they have had a similar experience does not feel or think the same way as I do or as the next person in the line. I have also learnt a lot about myself this weekend and that I can talk about my past and it does not affect me the way it used to, and this has brought some peace to a lot of my storm. My thought process has changed as well, I am no longer letting my past define who I am and I am giving myself a blank slate to work from and become the person I want to be and not how I think I should be or by what others think of me. I have my own beliefs and my own network of thoughts and feelings and I feel that someone is invading my space or not helping with myself I am going to speak up and say something instead of just keeping my mouth shut and letting people walk all over and take advantage of my kindness and caring nature.

Do not get me wrong I will still help as and were I can but if I feel that they are taking advantage of me then I will stop and will distance myself from that person to be able to re-centre myself as my own self worth and my own self care is more important than somebody else’s because if I do not look after myself and my own self worth then I am no good to no one and this would then just put them down with me.

3rd week of May

Still feeling at a loose end at the minute, and my head is still a bit battered from everything that has happened from last week.

Managed to finally get my presentation done for college, well for people to finally get back in touch with me anyways, still got to type it all up and then on top of that I now have an assignment to do and not long to do it, so now I am stressing slightly over that because that means I am going to have to do more than I can swallow. Have not been under pressure for a while so it is going to be a task in itself to see how far I have actually come or whether I have taken on more than I can chew?!?!?

things still have improved with my daughter but they haven’t got any worse either, but I know I have decided to leave it up to her to get in touch and if she does not well I am not wasting my energy on something that does not need it and if she does reach out then it will be a bonus, I suppose?

Have not slept properly this week either and I am still taking my meds and I am going to sleep but the problem is, if I wake up through the night I am lying there wide awake and tossing and turning and I can not switch off, I have tried to speak to the Doctor but they are still not doing face to face appointments, yet.

Also think I took my partner by surprise at the weekend, because he said that I could do the video for our camper-van channel, and I said no I do not want to, the reason being is when I asked to do it a few weeks ago he said no because youtube was his domain, and we do the social media and I do the blog for that and for this, so I was like oh ok, I will just video everything then, but when he said it at the weekend I was thinking why? But also, I am not doing something when he had already told me no I can not, yes I did want to learn but I will just stick to blogging, besides I enjoy it, yeah it might not mean a lot to someone else but to me it is a release, almost like having a diary.

I also wrote a song I think, it came to me when I was having trouble sleeping and wrote it down before it disappeared, but that will be a working progress as I can not sing for toffee, but at this precise moment I am just enjoying everything I am doing no matter how small or big it is, even the college stuff, because it is keeping me busy and keeping my mind from exploding some days, keeps all the chaos that is going on in there organised, for now anyway.

Everything is starting to feel normal again by the end of this week, as I have accept the fact that I am not going to be able to see my grandchild in the foreseeable future and that my Daughter is not replying to my messages, despite the excuses she has given to someone else but can not tell me, so I am not even going to try with her anymore, she knows where I am and she knows how to get hold of me so everything is left up to her to decide what happens next, and yes this could be a huge responsibility for her to have but at the end of the day I am a mum not someone who can be treated like a rag doll and be picked up and put down when it suits.

My presentation is going ok for college but have but more information then is necessary so having to go back over and downsize it and need to ring and get some more information from them so that I can just make some of it look more presentable. well speaking of my presentation I have done it now to present it on Monday!!

I also got an assignment to do which I have also done this weekend, which I still have to add more to, because it has to be 2000 words and have only done half of that and answered all the questions so need to go over it and add more to it which is going to hard to do but no doubt I will do it.

Also had a good talk about my college stuff with my mum and blagged both of our heads with some of the answers I have put on some of my work, so need to go back over them and reword them, but we had a good giggle about it which was good.

The weather has been rubbish all week and weekend but at least my garden wont need watering with the amount of rain we have had, but once the warmer comes I will need to get out and water it everyday to help the grass seed grow. Can not wait till it is grown as my front garden will look nice again.

Of all things to go wrong before college is not been able to print off my presentation as the printer has decided to stop working altogether and will not even turn on now hopefully I can just take it back and either exchange it or get a refund because it is a load of rubbish as I am constantly having to keep turning off and then turning it back on to be able to print what I need for college and it is getting beyond a joke now, to the point of now I am stressing out for no reason over it, so I am hoping I am going to be able to print it off from college and get everything I need ready.

2nd week of May

The week started off a bit off ish to be honest.

My partner and I had a bit of a, shall we say, a childish heated texts, and I am still mad at him for making me out to be like my mother!! (which he still has not apologised for), and he spat his dummy out because I created my own RC crawling insta and youtube channel and said that I was taking the one thing that was his away from him, so I said ok no worries and deleted them because I did not want him to feel I was and that I would no longer do RC crawling anymore because it is his thing, and he did say that I could still do it with him but I do not want to anymore as he has taken the fun out of it for me, but he wont see that, especially when I was trying to be understanding but to him I spat my dummy out!! And no doubt as he is reading this he will have his say like he always does, or he will go in a mood with me because that is not how it went but this is my blog and I can express my feelings on here, as that is what I created this for in the first place, and to talk about my mental health.

So that is how I started the week off.

Had a good day at college and found something interesting about myself about prejudice and stereotyping and I have never thought that I did but when I have looked into deeper I do and this was a big eye opener for me because I did not know have strongly I felt about something, until doing this exercise.

Also I have a presentation to do on what services are available in our area for the field I am researching, which is proving to be very interesting and really am thinking of going down this route, the gentleman on the other end of the phone was very helpful and gave me websites and books to look at, he also helped with answering my questions and a few more than was necessary but I was very intrigued about it all, as did not know just how in-depth it could be. Just hope that I can now keep a straight face when doing my presentation in 2 weeks!!

My tummy has also settled down now and I am slowly eating again without having to worry about throwing it back up. I also decided that I did not want my red hair anymore so bought some colour remover for my hair and now I am ginger with dark roots but I am liking it so will just let it grow out, while I think about what I want to do with it, as wanting something different but not quite sure what as of yet.

My son seems to be enjoying work so that is a bonus and he does his own uniform unless I am doing a wash load then I will just put it in with that, have had to tell him off once or twice for been allowed on his playstation but that is nothing new at the minute, he has started to help round the house more too which is a big help as some days I really do not want to anything but I think he is becoming more understanding of my mental health and that I will have off days.

My Daughter gave birth this week to a health baby girl, but I am not allowed to go see them, my Mum came to visit this week also and she was able to go see them but I was not allowed to go which I am still trying to get my head around on why?? I am not gonna lie it hurts really bad, and I do not know how to deal with it internally, because why can my Mum go but not me?? Why do I have to stay away?? What have I done wrong?? Part of me knew this was going to happen but just did not want to face it but now I am gonna have to and I am going to have to try and just realise the fact that I have a Grandchild that I am not going to be able to be part of their life and not see her grow up, and I am not gonna be able to be the Grandma I wanted to be and that is the fact of it whether I like it or not.

Everything seems to be getting to much again just lately but I do not know if that is because of me been ill last week, or with what everything that is going on, and just can not seem to find the energy to do anything and seem to get the shakes when I have eaten like I want to throw up again, but only getting the feeling and not actually been sick so that is ok but hate the feel just as much as been sick.

I feel like I am sinking backwards again just when everything was starting to get in a good place, and everything was looking good and bright again, yes I am trying to stay positive and smile but how can I when my family is broken and wont even talk about it and rather hide behind something or someone else, it hurts really bad, more than I would like to admit, but how I am to talk to someone if they wont talk because they are so wrapped up in what they believe to their perfect life?? and when I do try to talk about it I am the one causing trouble or stress.

Well that sums up the week I have had which i feel like I have taken 2 steps forward and 6 backwards to be fair, but I shall still smile and pretend that everything is ok to everyone else because it is better than having arguments, and I am sick of arguments and banging my head from a brick wall.

First week of May

What a great way to start the month with a weekend away which you will have already seen in my last post.

I seemed to have fallen out with my Daughter over something that just did not need to fall out over, but she is due her baby this week and said that i was causing her and the baby stress, and all i wanted to do is go see her, but she said she couldn’t because of her partners child and the something around him but i would of been going to see her when he would of been at school anyway so I still can not get my head around it. (She knows where I am, just depends if she visits after she has had the baby or not).

Also having a few other Family issues and to be honest about it all everyone just needs to swallow their pride and stop been childish (myself included), also it boils my pee when people use kids as weapons against them just because they can and know that it will destroy them (kids are not weapons they are little people who rely on their parents and extended family to support them through life and not make them isolated from everyone) or start causing trouble because they can not get their own way or because they are happy and settling down with someone else, so they like to cause trouble instead, and stir the pot even more, there is just no need for it.

Despite that I am slowly loving life again, and loving how everything is slowly coming together in other areas of my life, I handed in my notice, to concentrate on myself and my future goals, big move to make but I know it is going to be worth it in the long run. I have applied for another job but that is volunteering for a few hours a week, so fingers crossed.

Me and my Partner are doing really well and we have not yet wanted to bite each others heads off (yet), so I must be doing something right there, I think the ease of lockdown is helping with that because we can go out a bit more now and we can start to make plans for where we want to go and who we want to meet and we are getting back to a better version of us and I am loving it.

I have also made a start on building my RC crawling this week also, but got stopped before I could even get anywhere as got a part missing, and checked all the bags that came in the box but it is nowhere to be found.

I also bought a fancy tool to help with the dog hair in my house so dehaired, hoovered and washed my carpets this week and my house smells amazing now and everywhere looks clean and tidy again, but, how long for? Will also bath my furbaby next week, hopefully the weather will be nicer then, as we have has sun, rain and snow with strong freezing winds.

With doing the carpets I have hurt my back alot and have tried to keep moving but everytime I put pressure on my right leg I get a sharp pain at the bottom of my back and then down my leg and will be be like this everytime, it is no fun I can tell you.

Had an eye test this week, and my eyes have gotten worse since I last went 3 years ago, so will be picking them up next week all been well.

Was in bed most of the weekend with the sickness and diaorrea bug which was not fun in the slightest, not nice not knowing which end it is going to come out of and if I was lucky it would do both (not a nice picture I know), the pain in my tummy was immense and felt like I was been punched repeatedly because of it, wish I could say that I looked like I lost weight but instead i expanded like a balloon and my clothes felt to tight to wear which did not help with the tummy pain so ended up wearing the lose clothing i could find which was my PJ’s and spent all weekend in them.

My Son has been helpful as and were he can, made sure I had plenty of water, and cleaned up were he could, and still went to work, it has been a long time since my son has thought of someone other than himself, but then again I am feeling poorly so I know it won’t last long. He decided to make a Sunday Dinner for us but i could only manage a few mouthfuls as got the sickly feeling back and did not want to push it too far.

My partner spent the weekend with his Son and his Mum, as a few weeks ago she fractured above her hip and could not move with the pain she was in and now she is slowly getting back on her feet and soon will be able to drive again. They went out with their RC Crawlers (My Partner and his Son), and I know that his Son loves the time he spends with his dad, and I find it cute when he says “I love you Dad”.

Last week of April

Not quite feeling myself at the start of the week.

It felt like I cloud hanging over my head and a feeling in my tummy that I could not quite work out what it was and still have not figured it out even now.

The week started off with me feeling so drained and lethargic that I have not been feeling myself and also not really done much because of how I have been feeling. But what I have done is write out some recipes that I would like to try and also set myself some goals to lose this weight I seemed to have put on, and it is not because of over eating or anything like as I have been watching what I have been eating for the last 2 months and I still do my Yoga every now and again but just can not seem to get me head back in it at the moment, but have put on another stone, I am still taking my furbaby out as often as I can and we can be out for 30 minutes to an hour some days and others for 10 minutes.

I have also reconnected with an old friend this week which is nice because I do not have many friends and the ones I do have I hold close to my heart, and she also suffers with anxiety and we have been connecting through that, so much so we spent about 2 and half hours on the phone catching up and felt so much better afterwards. We have spoken nearly everyday since whether it be through phone calls or texts. It almost feels like we haven’t had the last few years dealing with our own life’s and like we have picked up were we left off and i love that about friendships, been able to not speak for months on end and then speak again again as if that time had not happened.

My little brother dug my front garden over for me, so I can get it seeded and get some plant for my planter at the front so hopefully it will start to look nice by the end of the year!! but at least it will look good for next year!!

Cleaned my house from top to bottom Thursday and felt much better for that, but still felt quite drained but not as much as I was at the beginning of the week. Completed all of my college work and anything else I had to catch up on also got really excited Friday as it was my birthday and got a Traxxas sport kit to build so can not wait to get stuck into that next week.

The weekend consisted of been out in the van and having some adventures as that is what I wanted to do.

what started off as a slow start the week ended on a high, and started the next week on a high, can not wait for the next road trip.

Third week in April

Slowly getting back on track with the love of my life 🥰

Well after the weekend away I decided to tidy my gardens up and make them look a bit better.

But as I went to go dig my front garden my back started to hurt so decided to get someone in to do for me so that way all I had to do was put some grass seed down and sort my planters out.

I also had a tough day at college, with emotions running high and feeling a bit deflated from it, but it was a learning curve and one that i certainly learned from. It is easy to sympathise but it is hard to empathise and there is a big difference between the 2 but I am only on my level 2 so it is a learning progress and I am enjoying every bit of it as I am learning more about myself and my own internal frame of reference.

As the week went on and college work done and things getting sorting in the house and getting rid of stuff that I had been holding onto that i did not need any longer because it was just taking up space, I also have learned to let go of people in my life that do not want me in theirs for what ever reason is theirs, but I did and do still have my moments and will most properly still have them moments because of that connection that I was clinging on to.

The relationship with my Daughter has flat lined since she moved out and this has been a tough cookie to swallow, as I did not expect her to cut me off so quickly, but she has her reasons and hopefully one day we can reconnect when she is good and ready, just more gutted that I will not have a good relationship with my grandchild like I had hoped. She is concentrating on her family now and I am learning to get on with mine as I can not expect to work at something when the other party is not ready to do so. I will be ready and waiting and to listen and help when the time is right.

My Son has got himself an apprenticeship, and I am proud of him for getting himself out there and apply himself, so far he is loving it because it is hands on and he loves the practical side of things, but he does have his moments were he puts me down and makes me feel inadequate about been a Mum, but I am also learning to try and just take this with a pinch of salt and not dwell on it too much, although I did shout at him for the way he made me feel with his constant remarks as it got too much with been called stupid and dumb. I know I am not and I know that the abundance of information I have will one day be helpful to him but until then……

Things are going great between me and my partner since we had a good talk about everything and we have now made some future plans that I can not wait for, I hope he understands me better than he did before and I try to let him into my thought process as much as I can so he can understand were i am coming from which has took some bickering and fall outs in the process of this but we are getting there and we are still both learning how to get on with it but together instead of separately.

Second week of April

This week started off a bit emotional.

It was my first week back to college and we got a task to do and it was very emotional for me to do, but I did it and it was good to and now I can move on from that and learn from it as well as forgive myself for it.

It has also been a busy week this week with lockdown easing and been able to see friends and family, so have been to see who I can when I can, but love been busy and keeping myself occupied as it stops my Brain from going into over drive.

Monday was college day, Tuesday went going to go and see one of my good friends and godson, Wednesday ended up in bed all day with a major headache and could not move my head off the pillow without feel or going to be sick, Thursday was clean up and get any washing done, also my son had a job interview on the morning, my son wanted to baked and cook all week so let him, Friday was getting everything together as having a weekend camping.

Whilst I was cleaning up on the Thursday I did a house cleanse, and got rid of clothes I do not wear or use, got rid of books, paper, and anything else that I no longer had use for and I felt amazing after it, there is still a lot to go through but my god I have space and looks so much better, but there is also another reason to the madness of cleaning and that is the more I get rid of now the less I have to later when I go travelling with my partner and see the world because lets face it, I can get everything sorted while I am grounded (doing college and uni) and then when I am fully qualified I am hoping to take it on the road with me and also learn while in different countries of methods and techniques.

The weekend brought lots of laughter and was good to get out and meet friends again that we have only been able to speak to over text or phone, campfires and social distancing around them everyone trying to speak over others around so they can be heard when answering questions or asking question, through the day slowly going round and saying morning to everyone as a new starts and been able to actually have a proper talk to everyone everyone sharing their dealing with lockdown and what changes they have made to their vans/motorhomes/trucks.

I still have a lot of internal work to do and I know that I am going to still have my days were I do not want to do anything or speak to anyone but that is just how I process what has been happening (that day or week or moth), but the people I have around me are understanding of that because I have talked to them about how I am feeling and my process and are accepting of that and this makes me stronger again. I pushed so many people out of my life that I forgot that I needed these people more than I thought I did, and I am having the best relationships with friends family and my partner.

I am excited about my future again, and things I have planned as well what I have got planned with my partner, and I know that I am going to have the best life from here on out because I am determined to not let this take over me again and I will fight everyday to keep myself in this place I have fought so hard to get to, and I have got the mindset now where if you want to be in my life you need to make as much effort as I am giving because if you do not then I will not waste my time any longer.

I am also looking at doing some volunteering work in hope of gaining some experience and help me with future prospects of a getting a job. So will keep everyone posted on how that goes.

So what started off to be an emotional week has turned out to be one of the best weeks yet and looking forward to many more with them all.

First weekend away since lockdown last year!!

Love watching the sunsets even in the cold weather.

It has been a long time coming getting out in the van and been able to enjoy the outdoors again.

We got asked to meet up with a few friends on a campsite not far from where we live, and what a weekend it has been (all social distancing of course!!). There have been laughs and catch ups and stories to tell that made every one laugh or cry with laughter.

It was good to finally see that this could be the end of what has been the most trying time for everyone, been locked away from everyone they love and cherish because of vulnerabilities, or they have had to shield or whatever reason they have needed to do to keep themselves and their loved ones safe.

As I look around at these people who are talking and catching up, with their stories I see a few things and that is contentment, relief, worry, stress, and wonder. The sound of their voices so rushed but yet subtle, but there is still that void of not been able to get to close because of fear.

As I look at this crowd before me, I see wide eyes looking and facial expressions that are wary, and body language that is saying do not come to close, even though I have missed our chats, the ones that want to give hugs to those that are close to them but can not for fear of offending the other person or someone who is near by watching.

There are mixed reactions to these people before me and I can not help but wonder if this is how we are ment to be from now on and how we are to react to each other? I see these people and feel somewhat sorry for them because of the rules and guidelines that are in place, it just seems like one head battering after another against a brick wall, of you will do what is required or else!!

Myself included I feel the tension in my neck and shoulders as I return to the van as I had not realised how tense I had been, how safe I felt when I returned back to the van because it was home on wheels and only we could be in this small space, how worried my facial features looked when I was taking off my make-up.

So as I am looking in the mirror I am thinking if I am feeling like this, how is everyone else feeling? Could they be thinking or feeling something similar but on a smaller scale? or maybe on a bigger scale? But who knows because at the end of the day that is their progitive, and that it is ok to feel like this after a long hard year of a pandemic.

I know Mental Health is on the rise, not just because of the pandemic, but it has helped people to wake up and realise that people do need help and that it just isn’t going to go away, and I know there are a lot of companies who are now putting training into place to help those with Mental Health issues and that is fantastic to hear but what happens to that friendship they have just required at work with that person? will they still be friends or work colleagues? or even still a free therapist?

First week of April

Wanted to walk up Roseberry Topping, but body had other ideas and only made it to half way point, so glad I did as the view from here was just as phenomenal .

Well the month has started off to a great start, with things been sorted between me and my life partner, and I have now got a good relationship with my Mum.

As lockdown starts to look like we are having a light at the end of the tunnel as everything starts to ease and that we can start to see family and friends again (social distant) but I have also had my covid jab (1st one) and have been fine and had no side effects from it, which I was quite surprised as you hear so many horror stories about it and I am now just wondering if it is all just scare monger? but everyone has their own opinions about it all.

I decided to go to Roseberry Topping and realised that I am unfit and would need to train my body to be able to climb stuff like that, I thought I was going to collapse with not been able to breathe, but since then I have decided to stop smoking and start taking my body seriously and get into better shape, I am hoping to start this with doing at least an hours walking a day and the good thing about it is my fur baby is going to love it.

She lighted up the room when Lee smiled, even though I only saw her on tv, her energy was remarkable and I could feel that through the tv, may you rest in peace, and hope your family and everyone who knew you on a personal level finds peace too because to me you were blessed

Also the last few weeks I have been feeling a sense of lost as someone I do not know but felt like I knew her through her blog and that of Eamon and Bec, Lee took her life and the wave of loss over come me because I understood what she was going through and how hard it is to fight depression and to keep going and look on the positive side of life, and to me she was an inspiration, I do not know the full story of what happen, but the loss was unreal, it has never been something I have felt before and it shifted something inside of me, I can not describe it, but the fight to stay alive is stronger, as you have to fight everyday that wave of ending everything when you are in that place of darkness and feel no way out apart from ending the pain that you feel, when someone says something and you take it heart and ask yourself loads of questions and can not get out of that rut, I know the place all to well over the last 2-3 years and I think that is why I felt this loss more than I thought I would and my heart goes out to her family and all of her closest friends #speakupforLee I send you my deepest sympathy, and condolences.

Anyway on a lighter note I finally am getting to understand who I am and what I want out of the rest of my life, and that I am worth something to someone and that someone is myself, I am slowly learning to love myself again and I am slowly learning to love who I am as a person.

I am now loving life again and I have now got what I want to do with my life and where I want to go and I can not wait for the journey to beginning properly. I have started this journey already and I am doing a lot of inner child work and also learning at college doing my Level Two Counselling, I have now found a hobby I am enjoying also and it is something that I can enjoy with my life partner and also with his son as he has got into to, just bad side to it is that it is an expensive hobby but something that I can do for the rest of my life.