4th week of October

It is halloween week and even though it is my favourite time I am not able to do anything or go anywhere.

I have done a lot of reading this week and I am still trying to figure out what theories everything connects to. I am still learning a lot about myself and what my triggers are and how they effect who I am as a person. I still have a lot of feelings that I need to resolve with myself and why certain things still trigger me. Like why I get angry over certain things that I do not need to get angry over.

My thoughts tend to be all over at the minute and it does not help that I am laid up and able to think a lot of the time. I am in a lot of pain in my tummy still and every time I move I get this sharp pain in my right side. Like when you have been running and you get a stitch, but it is constantly. It hurts so much every time I move. Even the pain killers I am on do not help sometimes.

It is funny how, I am able to relate certain areas of my life to certain things or points in my life and I have dealt with some of them as you have read previously, and I know that I have still got a long way to go, but at least I am on the right track to healing and connecting.

Do you know when you dream and it feels real and then you wake up and think oh my god that felt so real, well my life feels like I am in a dream right now but, the only thing is, is that I have not woke up. Well it feels that way. the reason I feel like this, is because I have always had to fight to be noticed, to be accepted, to be loved, to be myself. How can someone be their self when the foundations are not strong. IT was not always this way there was a time in my life were everything was good and I was accepted, I felt loved.

I know that times are changing and things are different now to be a parent than it was when I was growing up and I understand that everyone had their own way of bringing a child up back when I was born. I also know that how I was brought up was different to how my mum was brought up and how my grandma was brought up and so on and so forth. Even now it is different again to how I brought my children up.

I have come to realise that my feelings and how I deal with them are my own doing and that the more I go deeper into them, the more I am understanding myself. I am shocked by some of things I am finding out and some of the things I am like, oh that makes sense, why did I see that earlier? I am also asking why a lot.

3rd week of October

Well I am still here whoop whoop.

And no doubt I really peeved a few people off in my last post but I really could not give a monkeys anymore. Seen as no one really thought about how it makes me feel at the time of certain things happening in my live and thought they could screw me over and think that I would be ok with it!! Not any more!! Also, I am shocked at how many of my actual so called friends and family have actually contacted me since coming out of hospital. My vanlife friends have made more of an effort than you!! If anything it has shown me just how much I mean to the people who you are supposed to matter to. So what if you have got stuff going on, how many times have I messaged you when you have been at the bottom?? How many times have I gone out of my way to make sure you have been supported?? Every god time time!!!! Isn’t it funny how I am now becoming to realise that I do not need people like you in my life who suck everything I have to offer out of me and then do not give it back in return when I am in need of it. You can call me what ever names you want to because lets face it you have called me them plenty of times in the past whether to my face or behind my back and they no longer hurt anymore. They no longer cut me anymore. You no longer have power over me with any words or actions you take because it is nothing you haven’t done plenty of times before.

Since doing a lot of work on myself I have realised just how much of a people pleaser I was and how much it meant for people to like me regardless of how it actually made me feel. Like I have kept my mouth shut and swallowed my feelings or my opinions and kept them to myself so that way I would not hurt or make them feel bad but in actual fact all it did was make me feel bad and hurt myself because that person has come back later on and said “why did you not say anything to me at the time?” and then made me to be the bad guy for not saying anything. I know it is different when it is someone else’s story to tell and someone has told you in confidence and that you do not say anything to anyone because like I said it is not my story. But this is my story, and I am now telling who ever would like to listen and read this story of the struggles with my mental health and how the people in my life whether they have been a permanent or temporary fixture in my life, have contributed to it.

I have had to do a lot of forgiving of myself and a lot of finding the roots of these feelings and I know I still have a long way to go and still a lot of sorting through some personal issues but I know where I want to be and I know how to get there, I also know a lot of people are not going to like it or not be in my life anymore and that is ok because that is not on me that is on you because you can no longer push me or test me any longer. Some might find this been obnoxious or just plain out right rude and disrespectful but is if you are been true to yourself? As I see it I have been disrespectful to myself all these years and now that I am respecting myself you do not like it?? Why is that??

As I work through these issues and find out the theories behind these past issues and why, I am learning a lot about that I am the way I am because that is how I have been moulded by other people and I have let them thinking that was what you did, but I now know that, that is not the case. I am slowly finding my true self and that is powerful on it’s own.

I am also finding out that, I am not just kind and funny but I am also intelligent in some areas. I am also learning that it is ok to be ruthless every once in a while because this helps to find your feet because how do you know yourself if you do not try all areas and you just keep the ones you like and be like ok I do not like these ones but that is ok. I have acknowledged these areas and that is good I know it is.

2nd week of October

This week Has started off very emotional.

Went to college as normal this Monday morning only to come to an agreement with my tutor that i will be restarting my level 3 in February. This was very emotional and hard for me to do as I was getting back into the swing of things with college. But I suppose my health has to take priority and it is not like I am not going to be doing from scratch when I go back.

Now that I have been sent home I am now out of sorts and feeling very raw and emotional about everything. It is going to suck because my partner is not going to be taking me to the hospital and wont be there when I come too either.

If this is going to be last blog, then I better make it count really hadn’t I??

To my kids that are absent in my life because that is what they are choosing and I am respecting that. I hope that you have a really good life and that you get to everything you wanted and from it. Life is too short to sit and wait around for an opportunities to present themselves to you, go out there and get them. I love you both more than anything and that will never change not now or ever. To my granddaughter I know I will never get to be part of your life like I want to but just know that I love you and that never let anyone dull your sparkle and to be who you love, do not let anyone or anything tell you, you can not do something because where there is a will there is always a way. I will love you all and be there for you now and forever never forget that.

To my partner, life has thrown us some amazing opportunities and we have made some amazing memories, I have never known love like the way you love me, and even though it has not always be plain sailing and we have had some major life things happen, we have never stopped showing each other how much the other person means. At times you have really annoyed me and vice versa and have needed space from you because you have just been in your own world and just a spoilt brat at times and dealing with what ever you have had to deal with and for some unknown reason wanted to do it by yourself, but I have never stopped been there for you I have never stopped loving you and I will continue to do so in the next life also.

To my parents who have done nothing but be an heart ache and a disappointment, why because when I have needed parents you both have not been there like parents should have. Mother you haven’t done a bad job at raising me but you somehow always like to make about yourself when I have gone through something. Also, I am not like you and never have been and never will be, I am my own person, the only thing that I can fault you is been two faced and stopping us from seeing extended family even though you say you wasn’t. Father, you should of, made more of an effort. I wish I could put more of a happier spin on this but I can not because I am the eldest and should know better. I now know that with the changing of the times how I have been brought up did not do me much harm as it has for some but I know that I have learned a lot from it also.

To my mother-in-law thank you for been the best person in my life who has been there when I have been at my lowest and has not judged any part of my life and who sees me and hears me, there should be more people like you in this world. Even if you are nosy laughing out loud.

To any of my friends, best friends, associates you have all been in my life for a reason at some stage because it has been needed whether it be for myself or for you, I would like to say thank you to each and everyone of you for helping learn, grow, and remind me that I needed that lesson, talk, activity or life skill at that particular time in my life and thank you for contributing to that.

To all my ex’s who have put me through hell and you have all taught me that the world needs less of you in the world because no one should have to put up with the abuse, whether it be emotionally, psychically, mental, financially there is no need to put anyone through that it does not make you big and it certainly does not make you clever or hard either. But thank you for teaching me the lessons you have taught me.

I also know that I have not been the best person either and that it is not everyone else that has been in my life, fault. I know I have not been the best parent and that I have let my children down countless of times. That I have let family and also friends down when they have needed me, but I have also been there when it has really mattered also. I know that my mental health has played a big part in some of my relationship break down with friends and family but they did not stick around when I needed them the most either. I am discovering a lot of myself and I am still finding my feet about myself. Hoping that if and when I come round from this operation I will still be able to continue to do so.

If I do survive this and I am able to write another blog after this one then I have been given another chance to show and shine what I have to offer this world and I will still of meant every word I have written this week. Because sometimes we need to let how we feel and our honesty out because if we do not how is anyone else to know how they have Made you feel?

If you are not happy, if you are somewhere or with someone you do not want to be or with then move on do something about it because no one else can change anything only you. You are the change, you are worth everything, you are who you are because that is who you want to be. Do not let anything stand in your way. Shine your brightest and speak up and be honest with yourself, and take one step at a time.

Dealing with Grief

Now I know that this is not normally what I would do but today I was writing a future blog and came to the realisation that I am grieving.

Not grieving over a death but grieving over loss of people, animals, items. I have never had a let out of this grief until now. It hurts, it cuts you so deep that you are left feeling powerless and vulnerable. All your walls come crashing wether you want them to or not because everything is just too much.

The people that should of been in my life but never were, the people that should not of been in my life but were. And the ones that just past through but made a big impact, the ones that stayed but made no impact. For the children that I should of had but do not and for the children that are but do not want me in theirs. Loss does not have to be the death or passing of someone. Grief is the loss. Loss of someone been in your life but not staying. Loss is the wanting of something but never been able to have. Loss can come in all shapes and sizes and for many different things.

My Grief started when I was 3 and half years old and my parents spilt, my first loss my dad. A silly as this one is going to sound but when my brothers were born. Why? Because my mum and step dad were happy and we was an ok family. Me and my sister was treated like princesses and then my brothers came along and we got pushed aside, my second grief. Then, it was just one thing after another after that of loss. Even having no chocolate or food/liquids in general can be a sense of loss.

My main loss for me is losing myself along the way. I am grieving for her because she was a good person, a person who would do anything and everything for anyone no matter. For her smile, her laugh, her strength, her just being her. Her knowing what she truly wanted with life and having dreams that were so big that they would of turned the world or so she thought at the time. She wanted to help those that could not help themselves but instead got took advantage of and turned into a wreck on the floor who thought she could not coupe or deal with anything without someone guiding her.

I grief for that brave little girl who is still there but who is lost and is finding it hard every day to find her way back. Grieving is the tears rolling down your face and feeling numb. It is feeling everything and nothing all at once. It is like been on stage and you give the best performance of your life but noone is there to see it. It is like having the game of your life and everyone see the one mistake instead of all the other stuff you did that actually mattered. It is like been with your soulmate and feeling the love but been empty. Grief is not just tears but it can be any emotion. It is ok to feel these and it is ok let them out in a safe way for yourself and others to see.

I have always said that I can not sympathise with someone who has lost, because I have never lost anyone. That is now a lie because I have lost someone and that someone is me. Sometime grief happens as soon as the event has happened and other times it is delayed and everything comes bubbling all at once and it can be overwhelming to say the least but do not be afraid of it let it flow and feel what you need to feel because you can not move forward till you do. Yes it is is always going to be there and yes there will be times it will still hurt as much as the day, but that is ok, feel it and acknowledge it and let it be what it is, grief.

What have you lost that you have grieved over? No matter how small that maybe.

1st week of October

This week has been an unexpected week. I got my pre-operation assessment this week and then go for my operation next week!!!!!!

So now I am worried because of college and the fact that I was told it will be a while before I will be having the operation because of the back log of everything because of the pandemic so was not expecting to been seen until at least next year but oh no I am having it next week!!

Every time I think about it I need to go for a nervous poo! I know most of you will not want to know that but it is how I am feeling right now!!

So now I need to chat with my tutor and see what cause of action I need to take as I know that I can start in February but did not want to wait that long, but my health needs to come first as this hopefully will stop a few other things that are wrong with me. Well, maybe not stop them but definitely slow them down at any rate.

love this month as it the start of the leaves changing colour and falling from the trees but it is also HALLOWEEN month and i absolutely love halloween more so than Christmas to be fair. Only down side now is that I am going to be laid up for halloween this year so wont even be able to decorate the house or have candy for those that come knocking this year boo hoo.

September/October

This week I had an hospital appointment about having my mesh removed. Did not like have to go by myself into the hospital but with a pandemic still going on you have to.

Was very informative and was talk of only having a small operation to see if that would help but that would of meant me going back and forth till they had took it all out so just opted for the full operation that way they can sort any issues that need sorting at the same time.

Felt very relieved with that appointment only down side is not sure how long I am going to waiting for this as the doctor said there is a long wait and could be end of next year. to which I said I was not to fussed when it was going to be just glad that I will be getting it sorted and finally have this mesh removed and hopefully not be in as much pain as I am.

Also this week me and my partner went to see Gerry Cinnamon and even though I was not bothered by him it was a good concert just glad my partner had a good time. We just managed to get some food as every takeaway shop shuts at 11!! Something to do with so they can avoid drunks coming out of the pubs!! Must get bad round then when pubs are closing.

Been a bit of a rubbish week weather wise as it has been raining or dull but that did not stop us from going to Carnaby Crawlers and even though it was coming down like a river rain wise, my partner and his son still had a good day. I just sat in the van doing college work and sorting my blogs out.

4th week of September

This week is my sons 18th birthday!!

I can not believe I now have a daughter who is nearly 22 and 18 year old son where has the time gone.

It does make me sad that me kids have grown up and seem to be doing their own thing and having families of their own but it does not stop me from missing, the need of them them needing me. Like when they have a fall and start crying or when they have achieved something and them running out of school to show me. Watching them grow and become independent and know there own minds is something of a proud factor for me because even though I think I have been a rubbish mum and have not done my best most of the time I most of done something right for them to be like they are.

I am not taking credit for everything they have done because they have learned to do a lot of it by themselves with me guiding or supporting them through when they have let me but it does not stop me from been proud of them. I am just glad that they know what they want in life.

Things are no better or any worse with my daughter but she knows where I am if she needs me. I am learning to let go of everything around me (slowly) because what I have come to learn is that I can control my actions and my behaviour and not anyone else’s. So by me just letting go I am able to not let things get to as much as it used to.

3rd week of September

Sorted my learner loan out this week.

Also handed in my Mental Health First Aid course in at college. Which I am thankful for as I have now started college doing my Level 3 counselling so did not want to be doing to much at once.

I also went on a walk with the locals in my town which i found as a group on facebook and that was good and nice to do just wished my back would not hurt as much.

Got my hospital appointment soon so hopefully get some answers to that and see what is going to happen.

Also this week was the Stratford show with lots of other self build campervans. Meeting up with friends old and new and finally getting to look at some possible new full time home vans that we have thought about for the future!!

2nd week of September

Feeling much better!!

It has been a long time since I have felt ill, and I do not like been ill.

Good thing that has happened this week is I am back at college doing my level 3 just need to sort out a student loan so that way I can do it and then I just have to find the money to pay for the exam.

Did a lot of cooking this week also and the weather has been boiling hot and I managed to cut the grass front and back of the house and tidy the flower pots up and make look reasonable.

Also got my Mental Health first Aid booklet to do, applied for it at the beginning of the summer holidays so that way I had something to do but it did not get to me till this week so now I have that and my course to do so I need to try and manage time so I can do both and hand the booklet in before the scheduled date.

Went through to Bridlington so that way I get to see my partners little one as feels like I have not seen him for ages. We stopped at a place called Carnaby Crawlers for the weekend and I got to try out my new crawler that I built even though it needed some tweaking here and there but had some help from others at the club.

Well this week I have been doing my blog a whole Year!! Can you believe that I know I can not. With this journey of blogging I have come to learn a lot about my self and that life is too short. and that there are adventures out there waiting to be explored and I am now at the stage where I am ready to take on them adventures and see what the world has to offer but wanting to start in my own country first and explore more of this little island before maybe going and exploring other place aboard. Wanting to also build my campervan so I can explore this little island freely and be able to see what spectacular places we have to offer.

1st week of September

Had to have a COVID test!!

With all the places we had been at the weekend, my partner was not feeling well and was coughing and had a bit of a temperature so we booked in to have our tests done.

That was the worse 24 hours as I was bored and was hoping that they would come back negative as I was seeing our granddaughter on the Wednesday.

Phew they came back negative and my partner was getting worse and ended up taking the week off work in the end because of how bad he was.

I went to see my granddaughter and daughter on the Wednesday and then as soon as I got back home I started to feel lousy and I started coughing even smoking was hurting my lungs and ended up spending the next 2 days in bed was not a happy bunny.

With how bad I was I stopped smoking because it was making me cough more and hurting my lungs.