3rd week of August

I have started a diary again this year.

I have not done a diary for a few years now have bought them but I have not written in them but thinking that maybe I should start because I am forgetting what appointments I have and when and also when we have agreed to to do something with friends and then I am forgetting so I think that this will help. I have gone for a weekly one so that way there is enough space for me to write down what we are doing and when and then it will help with college stuff too.

Feeling ok this week just getting flustered with knowing we are doing something only to forget that we are doing it and it is making me feel jittery.

Also feeling a little weird that I am not at college and feel like my week is starting out of whack which is putting a ripple in the rest of the week.

The weekend we went to my partners cousins BBQ weekend which they do every year through the summer. It was a good laugh until my partner got glitter bombed and it stuck to him like glue so I know this is going to be about for weeks to come. My partner drank some and was slightly drunk.

Nothing really much to say this week.

2nd week of August

Was laid up the first half of the week.

Has been a bad start to this with my back playing and not been able to much. I woke up on Monday morning feeling ok, then I started to clean the house and then my back went on me so had a 10 minute sit down till I felt ok to move and then carried on to which my back ended up going again but this time it was more painful than the last. So decided to have a coffee and have longer time to rest and took some painkillers to help with the pain. Once the painkillers had kicked in a started tiding again but this time when me back went I nearly went on my bum and could not move and pain was intense to the point that I was in tears and knew that I would not be able to anymore. From that moment every time I moved I would get pains shooting through my back and down my legs, it would take me a while to get to and from the toilet and this would be painful again. So after that I was laid up for 2 days unable to do much apart from go to the toilet and make a drink anything more than that and I would end up in agony. Was taking painkillers for the 2 days but they did not seem to do really anything. By the Thursday I was able to move about a bit more but ended up ringing the doctors because I still have not heard anything from the rheumatologist and only to find out that they have not put a referral in for me to go see one. This is now starting to get beyond a joke with them because the pain is getting so bad that I can no longer enjoy the things I used to do. This then gets me down and end up been in a vicious cycle of pain and misery.

I do try to get about and moving as much as I can, but when the pain starts I then become restricted and can end up been laid up in bed or not been able to leave the house with fear of collapsing. I should not have to live like this I am not even 40 yet and already my life is restricting. I wanted to a sponsored walk for mind this year but have had to put that off till I know I am able to walk some without having too much pain. Life is starting to suck a little bit right now but at least I have other things to keep me occupied for now while I wait for my back to get sorted.

1st week of August

Have been off my medication now for 6 weeks and I can tell big time.

This week I have been doing my gardens. As my daughter had some paving slabs that they did not want but I was in need of some to finish the path way to the gate in the back garden. I also cut the grass both front and back as they were looking a bit long!! Gotta love a freshly cut lawn.

I also pressure washed the front and back as with the rain there was a thin layer of mud on the patio area of my garden, and with layering the other slabs that needed doing anyway, so did the whole lot front and back so everything now looks nice and clean and fresh. The only downside to doing the garden for the last 2 days is that my back is now in bits and even the pain killers are not touching it. So I am having to try and grin and bear it.

Also I started taking my furbaby out for a quick 10 minute walk on a morning to see if I can shift some of this weight I have gained. The good thing about the hot weather is you tend to drink more than eat so I think that is helping with the losing of weight. I have also looked at doing some Aqua Aerobics as I am not allowed to do any heavy lifting because of the mesh I have. Speaking of the mesh I am now going to see a specialist in September, was supposed to be November but they have moved it forward which I am thankful for. Hopefully I can have it removed and then hopefully this pain will somewhat go I know I will still be in pain because of my back but hopefully it wont be as bad as it is now because I am getting it from all areas.

It was also my Dads 60th this week and we went down all the way to Weston-Super-Mare to go see him and we also got to explore what is around there which is not much but it is and ok sea side town. Was good to see some of the family too as not seen them for a few years. The only down fall to it all was the traffic and it taking 7 and half hours to get there and 6 hours ish to get back.

The weather was ok to start with and then it absolutely chucked it down on the second day but lucky it had calmed down before the party.

Have not felt too bad this week. Wish there was more time to actually spend with my partner but it seem like I blink and the weekend is over. Which sucks.

3rd week of July

This week saw me going away for the weekend to a youtube meet up to help with our channel for van life.

Yeah it was a good weekend but not sure if I am enjoying been in a big crowd as I start panicking and I just shut off and wanted to hide away. Do not get me wrong I enjoy meeting up with people and meeting new friends and everything but I would rather it be just a few good friends round a fire and having a laugh, rather than a big group trying to sit round one fire and everyone trying to talk over everyone and if someone is trying to talk to me I can not hear them because of music been played and everyone trying to over talk everyone.

The weather has been amazing and have got a okish tan but I have done nothing but sweat and feel like I am swimming in it. Ended up jumping into the river for a small swim as can not swim very well and this cooled me down dramatically and was very much need with temperatures of 30 plus degrees.

The only thing I think that has got me this weekend is that I was expecting one thing and it ended up been just like any other meet up for van lifers. Yes we did not really mingle as we was not sure what we was supposed to be doing and how yes we did get some footage but not sure if it is going to be enough. My head has been in a spin but this could be down to the intense weather and not been able to keep cool and everytime I move I would literally be dripping with sweat.

When I got back home I had a lot of washing to do and sort some stuff out. The more I am out and about in the van the more I want to live that life. The more I want to live that life the more I am hating the one I am in. I know I can not do much at the minute about it but I know that one day I will be living the life on the open road and exploring what the world has to offer and for me to be able to offer that to others on the road with me becoming a counsellor. Knowing this does give me some peace for now but my feet are getting itchy and wanting to go.

I tidied through the house and made sure everything was how I wanted it to be but I look around the house think I have still got way too much stuff that I need to sort through and get rid of because I am not going to need it on the open road but some of it can go into storage and I can always go back and forth to change certain things when I am back here.

next week I am having a chilled and do nothing week but no doubt I will still end up doing something.

5th week of July

This week has been an extremely busy week.

The reason for this is because I have had my partners little one and we have done something every day this week. We have walked at least 2.5 miles a few times, gone swimming, gone crawling, made a stick of rock and went to a play area. We also went to the York Maze.

Everyday we have done something different and everyday I have gone to bed early and have not slept properly as I have seen every hour on the hour through the night because I just haven’t been able to settle or get comfortable.

The weather has been really good this week, not as hot as previous weeks but still pretty hot and as the end of the week draw closer the weather got cooler and cooler and now we have constant rain. Lets hope it improves for the weekend.

I managed to keep him off his phone for most of the week as he is only 7 and me personally he should not have a phone just yet but this seems to be the norm these days for children his age to have a phone, when did everything change and technology became the new outdoors? It is sad to see the world live through social media and make out that they have a perfect life when sometimes that is not the case or only show the good things that are happening in their life. What is wrong with sharing the bad stuff too?? Oh yeah people like to make them feel worse for it with slating and trolling them. Shouldn’t we be lifting them up when they are low and not making them feel lower?? I should know because I have have it when I have put something negative about my self on and I have had people say pick yourself up and give your head a shake, I know that there are worse off people out their than me but when I or someone else s putting that out their maybe they are looking for support to know that they are not alone and that they have people to have their back when they need it the most??

Anyway, it has been an awesome week and have loved having my partners little one for the week and we have done some amazing things together (I would put pictures in this blog put he is not my child to do so). So much so that he did not want to leave as such and wanted to spend more time with me and his dad. When we went to York Maze it was brilliant would highly recommend if you live int the UK as there is so much to for the kids and you can spend all day there. You can either take your own food and sit at the many picnic tables or buy food there (a little expensive). We did the Maze and that was epic to go round as this year it was based on Little Miss and Mr Men and when you see it from the sky they actually have a picture of the Maze. You go round it solving clues and when you are done you pop your sheet into the box and you are entered into their draw (can not remember what it was for now!!). We will definitely be going back again.

4th week of July

I used this week to recharge myself.

I really did not do much this week as I had a super busy week last week. I did think alot about the direction of my life and if I was happy with what I was doing with myself and what I want to do for the future.

As I was thinking and recharging I came across something on the internet that was like a sign almost to say that I am on the right path and I am exactly were I am suppose to be and doing what I am suppose to be doing. So this was a big relief for me. I have also sort turned myself off from everyone and just focusing on my self and my thought and feelings about everything and everyone in my life. I have stopped messaging or ringing people because I have come to the conclusion that why should `i always be the one to message first or ring first. I know a few people have tried to ring me but I have been at college or busy doing college stuff and genuinely forgot to ring them back and when I have remembered it has been to late to ring them back. then I forget the next day because I just get on with whatever tasks I have set myself and some days I still do not want to do anything and will have a lazy day and do not want to talk to anyone on these days.

I really do not have time to be dealing with everyone at the minute and that I am just quite happy doing my own thing and enjoying my own company. The weird thing about this, is I do not feel bad about it. As I see everyone has what they want to do with their day and everyone has their own things to deal with and yes I will be there for those I consider close to me but until that moment I am just happy with a text every now and then and meet up every once in a while but other than that unless an emergency then I am happy as I am.

Yes I am been selfish but I have had to deal with a lot over the few years with my mental health and other personal things that have happened, I am using this time to balance myself and do what the hell I want to and I am not going to be made to feel guilty for it. My kids are grown up and getting on with their lives, my friends are getting on with their lives, so I am now getting on with mine and doing what is best for me and no one else.

Just a short one this week.

2nd week of July

Had my Exam this week which has had me stressing and feeling very nervous.

Things have been a busy and hectic week this week as we had my partners mums 70th birthday and we through it as a surprise. Everything turned out really good too which was nice and wasn’t as stressful as I thought it might of been. It did help that we bought finger foods for everyone to have and paper plates so we didn’t have to wash up after everyone and we could just put everything in the bin. Also the majority of the food got eaten which was good and his mum got the cake she wanted which was a fruit cake.

Feeling a bit of the pressure from this week with the exam and the party and then having to go to the hospital for the results of my hearing test, which are all good and fine just a bit of detonation but nothing that is serious but if anything with my hearing to just get referred back and I will have more tests done.

Did my last review for college this week and all i have todo now is wait for that to come back so I can put it into my folder and hand my folder in and then just wait to see if I have past and wont find out if i have past my exam till September. Good thing is that I have already been accepted for my level 3 for September and I am so excited to be starting that one because it goes more in-depth with all the theories.

I have had a thought this week about maybe writing a book, well I have started writing one but need to make more of an effort with it and get writing more on it as i have loads of short stories that me and my partner have wrote together and thinking of putting them into a short story book and on some of them adding more to them to make them into longer stories.

This week I have also tried to do a bit of exercise as feeling the weight on me now and I am also getting unhappy with my weight. It is hard to move about some days because of my back as can not walk very far these days but hoping it will improve with doing some light exercises so that way i can strengthen everything back up and then when I have my operation i will be able to move about a bit more easily.

Have also been doing a lot of thinking this week about everything I have in my house and really want to give it a good de-clutter and get rid of everything that is not needed and only keep what we use and need until we move out and go full time van life and go explore the world. As really can not wait to do this and the more I think about it the more I want to do it now but know that it is not possible at the minute with me been at college and then going to uni to do my degree but as soon as that is all done then everything is going or going into storage and then bye bye uk and hello world.

When we are out and about in the van all my worries and stress and everything else i have seem to not disappear but be a lot more calmer and more manageable and when we are exploring woodlands or abandoned places or going to the beach I can recharge and think more clearly. I am able to be more myself because of been less stressed and worried about what society expects of me and that I can be free from it.

June/July

This week has not been to bad.

Had an hospital appointment half way through the week to finally get my tummy seen to and hopefully get a date for an operation to get this mesh out. This was a very informative appointment and now i have to wait for a specialist from Newcastle hospital. So do not know how long I am going to have to wait for that to come through but hopefully it wont be to long.

A lot has been going through my mind lately and I have a lot to sort through and still not sure how I am able to deal with a lot of it. But I am slowly sorting through and I am slowly learning that I am strong enough to deal with what is going on in my head as well as my past. Hoping to make all the things I have had to deal with in my life come to and end and be able to breathe with ease.

I have talked about a few of my triggers and where they have come from but there is still a lot that i need to talk about from my childhood. Even though I do not remember much of my child hood I am starting to think that, that may be I do not want to remember everything and the memories I do have have is to sort through the bad ones and embrace the good ones more.

Finally got to meet my granddaughter and oh my days she is a stunner, full of smiles and laughs already and making noises which is so cute. Other than that nothing much more to report on my daughter and granddaughter.

I am still finding it hard to confront when it is need with certain people, and I am not sure how I am going to be able to get to my root cause of this because I think it is a number of things but I can not pin point it just yet so when I get to that I will write about it.

Sorry this is short and sweet head just not in to writing at the moment.

3rd week of June

To continue from last weeks blog of finding my root cause of why I have been like I have.

With me doing the counselling course I am finding that I have a lot to undo from growing up and most of it is a walk in the park but others are going to be a tough nut to crack. I know that I will get through each stage and I know I will become stronger and I know that it is going to be a long road and a lot of self discovery but this blog helps me to be able to going back over of how I once was to how far I have come.

Another thing that I have had to deal with is trust and this has been a big issue with me even from been little. I only had my mum, my step-dad and siblings in my life when I was growing up because did not really get to see other family members. Now I do not know why that is because my mum would always tell us who is who through pictures and what not but we never really saw them once my brothers was born. Part of me thinks this was down to my step-dad been controlling and abusive towards us all and did not trust my mum going anywhere without him or he would start an argument and it would always lead to been physical towards my mum.

So this did not help me with my trust towards men because I always thought that was how a relationship worked. It did not help that these were the relationships I entered into because like I said in my last post I thought it was normal. But to later find out that this is not the case. I do have a hard time trusting anyone and not just men.

The reason for this is because, I have people abuse my trust and turn their back on me when I needed it the most. For example when I was been abused my daughters father and I was walking to my mums house with my daughter in the pushchair and he chased after me and pinned me to a tree and said that I was not allowed to take my daughter anywhere without his say so, and took my daughter back with him and I went to my mums crying my eyes out. At first she was fuming and stormed down to the house and returned about an hour later and said I was to stop making up lies and to stop been a pathetic little girl. This was just the first of many things that I would have to face, been made out to be a lier and this was later used against me in court.

The one person I needed more than anything turned her back on me just so she could keep the peace. This started more so when she chose my step-dad when things weren’t going in his favour and she told me I either sort myself out or leave and then again when everything kicked of with my daughters dad so she could still see her grandchild, and I was left to defend for myself saying “you made your bed now lie in it”. Definitely not what you want to hear when you are having to with an abusive partner, and wanting my mum thinking she would be there for me no matter what. Not to recently she has done the same again, only this time it is with my grandchild and daughter, and I got I am sorry but I am not going through what I have just gone through with your brother. Now I made out I was not bother but in actual fact it was like history repeating itself.

Yes she is very vocal and can always speak before she thinks of the consequences of who it will affect and this is her downfall, because as long as she gets what she wants and is happy it does not matter who it is going to hurt, I do understand some of reasons but not all of them and this is something I think she needs to work on, but that is just me. Do not get me wrong I love my mum zillions but there are somethings I do not agree on but I am always to afraid of to tell her and I do not know why? Maybe afraid of the arguments, the confrontation and the fall out because that is all it has ever been growing up, and you get to a point you can not take anymore and I am at that point. I know that it will be the same this time but that is not on me.

So as you can see I do not trust easily, because I have not been around it and have to learn to trust and it has been a long road and I am still on that road. But I have learnt a lot about myself and I know a lot of people will either agree or disagree and I know for certain my mum will either fallout with me or not talk to me for months, yet again because of what I am writing but this just proves my point (sorry mum). Yes maybe I should of talked to my mum about all this but as much as I love my mum I am also afraid of her (this I am still trying find the actual root cause of).

Will this blog here for now and carry this on, on the next one as there are a few other things I will be sharing and yes maybe it is wrong to be sharing so much personal stuff about myself but for me this is my release and helps more than i would of thought possible. Thank you for reading, and wanting to get to know me better.

2nd week June

This week started off really good. I spent some quality time with my partner which was very much needed. once he went back to work though I have not slept very good at all this week. I also had my second jab and I have been fine with both of them so that is plus.

Because I have not been sleeping very well, I also have not really eaten properly because my body clock is out of whack, but I am drinking plenty so thats all good, I suppose. Also did my first youtube video for our vanlife weekends away, which was a fun learning curve to do. Was harder than I thought it was going to be but I think I did ok.

I am still taking my tablets and going to sleep ok but then I will wake up about 2/3 hours later and be awake for the rest of the night. I am not overthinking anything and I am not really stressing about anything either, but I am having weird dreams of were I am in a room and it is dark, there is a voice that is deep but I can not make the words out. Sometimes there are lots of people in this dark room with me other times I am alone and then other times it is like I am watching TV of my life and seeing everything I do not want to see and things happening that I do not want to happen. Sometimes they can be very sexual and very intense. I wake up feeling cold but yet sweating from either of the dreams and feel like I have someone hovering over my skin.

I was reading something somewhere the other day about someone wanting to kill themselves but not actually doing it because of reasons to stay alive and I sat there and thought I have always felt like that but never said it out loud or to anyone and it was like reading what I was thinking as if I had actually wrote it and it freaked me out a little. As it was like someone was pulling all these thoughts out of my head onto this piece of written work for all to see.

I find it hard to actually write what is going on in my head sometimes because of fear. I know I need to actually speak about them but I know there are some who would not like what I would say if I was to write what I was thinking and that is the fear I have to face and it is harder to deal with than what I want to say. Some people I can be brutally honest to and not hide who I am from them, and then there are others that I would rather go lock myself into a box and hide than rather say anything to them. I have so many fears that even though I am dealing with each one when I am ready to, it still does not make it any easier when I do.

Was supposed to see my daughter and granddaughter this week but I had my jab the same day I was meeting them and did not want to drive with how I felt after it last time (server headache and disoriented), just did not want to take that chance. I asked if we could rearrange and waited nearly 24 hours before I got a reply from her and then to be told “will have to see what my partner is working next week”. What has annoyed me and proper ticked me off more than anything is she wants to meet somewhere mutual but yet my mother can know where she lives and go see the baby anytime she wants to. This I still find hard to swallow, how much more hurt do my kids want to put me through?

The rage I have building inside of me because of what is going on is getting to be unbearable and I am at the stage where I just feel like telling everyone to just f**k off and leave me alone that way I can not be hurt anymore if I do get hurt it will be down to me because I would not have anyone else. What is the point of trying when the other person does not try?