How creating a blog has helped me.

When I started this blog I didnt think it could help but I had tried so many other things like meditation, yoga, counselling, medication, but not seemed to get me back on my feet like I wanted so I created this blog.

At first I was like, ok what do I write about? what information can I put in it? how would I feel once I had shared it? would others treat me differently? But when I actually sat and thought about it, I was like well this isn’t for them this is for me and to off load all this chaos in my mind off.

Now 3/4 weeks down the line and I feel more happier with myself, still have had the odd day of feeling off, but I feel I have something to focus on, something that helps me with my thought process. I am not saying everyone should create a blog but you could do different things like a diary, bullet journal, anything, but for me this works.

I feel like I am waffling on in most of my blogs, but the release I get from writing them, takes a weight off my shoulders and I have now got the passion for blogging!! I want to share my journey, good and bad with you all and hope to help in some way that we connect. To be able to talk freely about Mental Health and the effects it has on us all, even those who just have a down day.

This blog has helped me understand my thought process better, and to know when I am feeling down that it is ok to have that off day and to write how and why I am feeling that way because that way I can hopefully start to see a pattern, like times of year, certain dates/days, also to see what I am feeling on that day and why?

I am now starting to make more of an effort with myself, as silly as it is, I am giving myself some self care, having a bath every night almost and brushing my teeth everyday, I am wanting to feel better not just on the inside but the outside too. With giving myself some time for me to to this little things has had a big impact, I am slowly getting a routine together and my sleeping pattern is improving (wanting to go to sleep before taking my meds), so hopefully one day in the future I can be free of the them and be able to fight this battle without any help as it wont feel so big to deal with.

Everyday is different and everyday I have a new sense of purpose for myself and my Mental Health. I can now talk freely and in hope to help others along the way.

To be honest the response I have got from doing these blogs are overwhelming some days, but give me a sense of pride and love.

Dealing with myself (Part three)

When you battle mental health most of your life but not know it is that until later on in life, you look back and start putting pieces of a jigsaw together, and your like oh well that now makes sense and why didnt they find this out earlier would i have got this bad later on in my life, if i had the support i needed back then? The only thing with mental health I have found is that alot can be done and helped with but only if you are willing to look and let them help you, if you are not ready it doesnt sink in and you end up fobbing it all of and just carry on going about your day as if it was any other day.

But what happens when you hit a brick wall and want that help? you start to think well will I still get it because i have refused it so many times in the past? will they treat me differently because i never attended appointments in the past? will it all be recorded? will they judge you as soon as you walk through the door? the questions mount up and are over whelming that you think twice about any of it.

Once you have had your first step you then start to think what was all the fuss about and why did i let myself get wind up about it all, you can start to feel layers lifting after every time you talk and your thought process seems to shift slighty and you start to think maybe things arent so bad after all. Everyday is a battle that I have to fight with myself because to me no one knows what I have been through fully, the mental, emotional, phsyical, financial abuse I have had to endure and thinking that it was the norm.

But there are people out there that know exactly what you are going through, might not be the same circumstances but the feeling and thoughts are very simular, and that is how someone with same mental health understands because they have either been through it or are going through it, but have also recieved support and can help point you in the right direction and help support you on that road. I know there are many groups on facebook and in your local area that you can go to and the doctor can also help too.

I did not have someone there to say hey you need this please go, I have had to find that support myself and ask my doctor for help too, whether it is because I have pushed so many people out of my life that didn’t listen or wasn’t interested, or that pushing them out because I thought they were toxic.

Dealing with myself (Part One)

Every day I get up and have to do what is required of me, the regular mundane everyday trash that is called life.

I have to get up, feed myself, wash myself, brush my teeth, go to work, come home, eat, bath, sleep and then repeat.

I am now at a stage in my life where I am trying to figure out what to do next. Do I keep going in this repetitive cycle or do I just break free and live my life how I really want and just think of everything else after?

I suppose there are good points to the repetitive stuff because you have that sense of security, and knowing that you have a good job and a roof over your head, but then there is the thought of been free from all that and live freely and just travel without having to worry about the financial side of a house and bills because you are on the road or backpacking and you can enjoy the things that mother nature has to offer.

I am not saying it is for everyone, each individual has there own preference that they want out of life, some want the school, college, uni, good job, house, marriage, kids and good holidays, others might prefer, school and then a job and then see where life takes them. Each and every one of us is different and we all have our own path we want to walk on.

But for me, I have done school, college, good job, marriage kids etc etc, but never really felt I was were I needed to be or where I should be, and I have always had this niggling feeling, I have always have had “itchy feet” never been happy in one place but never really done anything about it because I had kids and later the husband and then more kids and then everything crashed.

I hit rock bottom, My thoughts were either blank or overwhelming, and could not get a handle on my life, or my thoughts or what I was supposed to be doing with my life. For so long I had tried to be strong for everyone around me that I had no one to be strong for me, or for me to go to when I needed someone (now I know some who will be reading this will be saying or thinking, well I was there and still am why didn’t you come to me?), but, in all fairness I didn’t because when you see someone else struggle you do not want to burden them with your problems and and make them feel worse because they can not be there on a level I needed them to be.

This part I am going to do over a few blogs as there is too much for me to explain in just one.

Dealing with myself (Part Two)

On my last post I wrote that I needed people to be there on a level I needed them to be. Now I know that this might seem selfish, but when you have never had that support, and have had to deal with alot and not having someone to talk to or go through the steps with you, or to even understand what is going on in your head. I end up getting fustrated and getting angry with them, because to me they should know but then as my partner says “I am not a mind reader, you need to open your mouth and talk to me”.

Sometimes it is hard for me to say what I want to say because half the time I don’t want to upset them with what I have said because it might have come out in the wrong tone of voice, or it has been interuptited the wrong way. Everything I am going to say most of the time I have to think about what I want to say and I then analyise how they might react or what they might say how it will change their mood if they have took it differently to how it is meant and then other times I just don’t say anything because I know that it would just end up in a fall out or arguement.

This can have a major affect on me because I want to say what is on my mind and how people make me feel in that moment and I want to be able to talk to people and them not think I am being a complete and utter selfish cold hearted person, because lets face it when can you speak your mind and someone be on the same wave length wouldnt understand what you are on about and take what you are saying the wrong way.

Everyday I have to think about everything, every action I do and every word I say because I am at a stage were I can not be bothered with the chew that comes after it, but also want to be at a stage were I dont give a monkeys anymore, so I am in constant battle with myself bout who I want to be and who everyone else expects me to be. Life is hard enough without having to deal with everyone elses perceptions too.

Some days days I get up and think “f**k it” I dont care what anyone thinks, and then I actually get up and get sorted and I start to wavier and start shaking about it because I do not have many friends in my life and my family are just about glued together I do not want to not have them in my life just because I have decide to have a f**k it type of attitude.

We all have this image about ourselfs, when we are younger where we want to be, what we want from life, were we hope to be when we are older, well I never did, I would just get up and deal with whatever the day had to offer and get on with it. I never had a goal to reach for and I didnt know where I wanted to be in life or what I wanted out of it I just knew that I wanted to do something and be proud of myself for it.

Shutting the world out and not dealing with anything!

Everyday is a constant battle trying to keep my head above water and pushing through everyday life. Trying to get out of bed everyday to make sure there is a clean house, food on the table and in the cupboards, making sure we all have clean clothes, and keeping my pooch happy too with walks and feeding him.

Some days I dont even get out of bed because I feel safer there and don’t want to do the everyday life, like making sure things are paid on time!

Everyday I fight my mental health and most days i get up because if I dont I won’t have a job, and if I don’t have a job I can not pay for the bils and debts I have. I can not put food on the table, or have a roof over our heads.

Everyday I feel I have to psych myself up to do the laundry, make a meal go to work pay the bills, keep into with family and friends just so I dont get that nagging feeling that I am leaving them behind, or the feeling I am getting left behind.

But then there are days were I just want silence, and feel tempted to turn my phone off, and not have any outside contact and just stay in bed and either sleep or watch whatever on netflix, and these are the days that my mind goes into over drive and feel like I am going into a paranoid state.

I even shut myself out from my kids and partner when I get like this and they can get worried when I do, or did, but now I let them know when I am feeling like this and they tend to know that I will get in touch when I am ready too. But I know they still worry but it is my way of couping, by shutting the world out and letting my mind process what is happening and try not to let it wonder to much.

Once I have let myself process whatever is on mymind and I decide to let the world back in, I talk about (or try to) what I have been thinking and feeling, and hope to get feed back from this and sometimes a solution is made in that process and I can then move one.

Sometimes though I will let it fester for days and won’t really talk and it will be short in my answers and wont engage in the converstation or only be half listening because my mind is festering on what I am thinking and can not get past it. This can get on my partners nerves sometimes and this is when I need his reasurance that he is there and not going anywhere. My clinginess.

It has been hard not to shut the world out lately, with all this pandemic going on because everyone seems to want to have their say about it and me I am just like I want to get on with my life I have enough to deal with, without having that added to the mix as well, but feel if I said this out loud people would think I am been naive and get all defensive.

So I tend to just nod and smile and not really listen to what is been said because I have shut the world out, and can not be bothered with listening to other peoples opinons, what is happening is happening and there is not alot we can do about it, if your still going to go out and still do your daily shopping or meet family and friends then why are you moaning about it?

Being with someone who suffers with Depression and Anxiety.

I know this is not easy for me let alone my partner!! I know he has been through alot with me these last few years and I know I have pushed him, to his limits most of the time, but he is my rock, my saviour, my light when I am in the dark, and will tell you why.

When I had to go see a specialist before seeing a counsellor, he came with me and I asked if he could come into the room with me, because for me I wanted to show him how bad I was feeling and that I needed professional help and not just his help, and he heard some things that only a handful of people know about me, because to me if he couldn’t love me for who I truely was in that moment, then this would be the make or break of our relationship. To my surprise we walked out of there stronger than ever and hand in hand.

In this blog I am going to ask my partner some questions and I will be writing excatly what he says, but also what he can remember, as I think that he does need to have some input with this because to me he has helped more than he realises, he is my sound board and the one I go to, to voice ideas and get his input. So the next few paragraphs are his input.

How did you feel when you went to the first appointment?

I felt overwhelmed, hard finding stuff out that I had never heard before, I just sat there and listened to what Kellie had to say when talking to the professional, and taking everything in.

How do you manage to keep a level head?

I never keep a level head lol, but I listen and sometimes switch off, especially when the record is on repeat,

What support do you give, to support Kellie?

I sit and listen and talk when it is need and help find solutions, try to think of things in different points of view and angles, attend as many appointments when I can, be there when she needs me but also give her space when she need it.

What do you do to take time out from it all?

I switch off from the world, phone on silent, play on playstation, laptop, or watch youtube, I also listen to music, sometimes I listen to it and other times I have it on in the background depending on what is going on at the time.

What do you tend to find that works?

Been out in our campervan, in the woods or somewhere out of the way to think and talk without anyone been in either of our faces. Letting Kellie get what ever she has to say of her chest as she seems to calm down after that. Giving Kellie time to process what is happening, and not pushing matters, because if I do it tends to cause arguements.

How do you deal with Kellie when she is having an off day?

Sometimes I feel like I should leave her alone and other times it is like she needs that clinginess and the feeling of been loved, it just depends on the mood she is in.

How does it feel been with someone with depression?

Feels like you get pushed away all the time, can feel like I am not wanted alot of the time, can feel like you are with 10 different personalities, never know know which one I am going to wake up with, can sometimes feel like I can not do anything right, hate feeling useless and powerless been unable to help.

What advice would you give to others who are with a partner who suffers with depression and anxitey?

Buy a frying pan to hit them with lmao, but seriously dont take alot of serious things they say to heart. Research as much information as you can, even though there is alot out there it gives you a rough idea, as everyone is different. I would give them enough space for them to process whatever it is they need to process, but also letting them know that you are there when they are ready. Take one day at a time and don’t rush them, they tend to do things in there own time and will let you know when they are ready to let you into their world of thoughts.

Dealling with a Pandemic and Mentality

I don’t know about you but for me, this has been a tough year for not just me for everyone who suffers with mental health.

Been a sufferer I have found it hard to keep my mental state in check because of the pandemic and it has made my anxitey go through the roof (so to speak). And I have sunken into depression further, which has made everyone around me suffer too.

I got so bad I had to seek help from professionals and with working for a company I do and them been in partnership with the retail trust, and mind. The help from work colleagues too, because if it wasnt for them to give me that information to access them., i don not think I would be doing what I am doing now.

It did not help that my son was the one to break me. When you love your children unconditionally, you never expect them to treat you with that way. With disrespect, betrayal, attitude, thinking that they can control you, tell you how to live your life, never coming to you when, they need you the most, or you needing them.

Then when trouble comes knocking on the door and they are in trouble with the police, my world turned upside down (will not go into to much detail about this), luckyly my partner was home that day and was there supporting me on every level, and keeping me up right.(Thank you for that)

Anyway, I rang my work and told them I wouldnt be in for the week. A week had past and I still wasn’t right so I rang the doctors and got put on the sick for 5 months and put back on tablets (again). Didn’t help that i could not see a doctor and had to do everything over the phone!! This does not help because they can not see how much you are falling apart, they can only go on what you are saying to them over the phone.

In these 5 months I had to build myself back up agin, but as I was doing so I didn’t really tell anyone what I was thinking or letting them into my life, as my partner was at work and didnt want to get invovled with what was going on with my son, my daughter was more bothered by how the situation would affect her new relationship, and what it would mean for her in the profession she wanted to go in, so I was left to deal with my son on my own.

Yes I could talk to my partner about what was going on and he did ask but mentally I couldn’t because I had it in my head that he didn’t want to get involved period!! That ment in every aspect of what was going on in my life, as for my kids, well despite all the hurt I felt, I was still by my sons side helping get through this crazy mess he had created, only to still get atitude from him. To be left if the dark and not know what is going to happen and the pandemic in full swing and not been able to have that face to face contact with them and to be kept in formed about everything was alot harder than I thought it could of been.

Even through all this chaos that is going on around me, and I am still trying to sort through the chaos mentally, I am fighting everyday for that brighter, better, funny life I might be able to have again. Until that day I will try to help myself and also others on there journey, because helping others helps me to understand all aspects of depression and anxiety, and to hopefully be able to help others process forward in their journey, as well as mine.

The pandemic has caused a lot of problems, rather than solve them, which hasnt help anyone or anything other than, make people question and asks queastions, which is all good but when the right people get together to help that is where the true friendship and loyalities lie, to stand together united as one instead of against through these uncertain times makes the hard times better.

One thing this pandemic has taught me, is that there is no one is their to help you unless you are willing to except the help, and willing to reach out for that help, even if you can not see a professional you can speak to them in other ways, like over the phone, through e-mail, video call, if you can, you can see a professional face to face as long as guidelines are meet. I know there is a lot of support there you just have to look and ask, it will be given and offered with open arms.

Freezing and forgetting

I have been getting this alot lately, when I am talking I will just freeze and forget what I was talking about or saying and have to be reminded of the conversation but this has got 2 meanings behind it and I will explain fully as you continue to read.

The first been the anxiety part of it, as I will talk about something and then my anxiety will kick in because I will get uncomfortable about talking for no reason and then I get my words muddled up and lose the train of thought or conversation.

I know this can be fustrating not just for me but for the person I am talking to because they would be listening egaerly and then I would stop and you can see the person looking at you waiting and that makes it worse because I feel like they are waiting for some grand finish, that I can not give them so then I kick myself mentality for not been able to finish. So when I do get my train of thought back the moment has gone and the coversation isn’t so good as it should of been, the first time, because they had already heard the first part and most properly don’t want to hear it again.

The second is because I have brain fog with having menopause, yes I know I am young, and I have been going through it for the last 10 years and it has gotten worse as time as gone on.

I constantly forget things if I dont write them down, or I get dates muddled up and end up turning up on the wrong day (which has happened twice with hospital appointments) and I then feel like a complete idiot and walk out feeling embarrassed.

But combine the 2 of these and there is no hope what so ever, my partner and children have to keep reminding me of things and I know this can fustrating for them as I am a grown women who should have it together and not be treated like a child who is just starting to learn!!

But having said that I can sometimes surprise them and myself when I do remember and that makes me feel amazing and feeling proud.

Having said all this I nearly forgot to do this blog (eye roll at myself), but I have had an amazing couple of days and have felt so much support recently that it has helped me with my confience to speak out and doing this blog is also helping me in more ways than I expected.

Anyway I will leave that there for now and will come back to this subject at a later date as well as some of the others I have posted because I am only doing I brief outline for now. If you have any input please comment on here or on facebook on any of the blogs.

What is depression to you?

Depression has various meanings these days, like ,the financial and industrial slump of 1929 and subsequent years or the action of lowering something or pressing something down or a long recession in an economy or market, the most common one these days is the mental health side as it now become more reconised, a mental condition characterized by feelings of severe despondency and dejection.

But what does it actually mean?? Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major/severe depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can also lead to a variety of emotional and physcial problems.

I got these from a dictionary and thesaurus, (yes I do own both of these) as I wasn’t sure myself but it goes to show how deep depression can go, within one self.

For me depression is when I feel guilt all the time because I think I have failed my kids, (this does not help the fact I did not see my daughter for nearly 9 years), and also with my son having ADHD and ASD. My kids are the only thing that have got me through the most part of my life, because everything I did I did for them, my jobs, I became a Teaching Assistant so that way I did not have to worry about childcare through the school holidays, I made sure that they had everything they needed (not what they thought they wanted) when growing up.

Now they are becoming young adults and I am now not need as much (by my daughter at least), my son on the other hand thinks I am a bank and sticks to me like glue!! But they both know how to cook, clean, and other household domestic chores, and know what they need from life and I know that they can look after themselves (even though they think I treated them like slaves sometimes!!), but this has had a big part to play for me, as I wanted them to able to look after themselves and each other because there was a time were I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough and if anything happened to me, they would be ok? On the other hand I would also be like well they also might hate you for not been around anymore!?!? So the strength of knowing that, that could happen made it harder for me to leave.

I now find it harder to control my demons, the noise, the snap dragon, everyday becomes harder to fight the battle, because all I think about, is what have I got now?? they are moving on with their lives and figuring everything out themselves and will one day have families of their own. Where does that leave me? I know I might seem selfish with that but I wasnt ready to let them go just yet, I wasnt ready for them to becaome adults, I feel like I have blinked and they have grown up, and this makes me sad, upset, and angry at myself for been selfish, but also proud.

I also feel guilt towards my partner too, because I feel I can not give him what he needs most of the time because of my own little world, I feel like I am always needy, I also feel like I am a burden on him and dont give him the space he needs sometimes, I am always questioning and why he is even with me half the time, some days I wake up and think can I be bothered with a relationship? I feel like it is too much hard work, I can’t love, look after, tend to my own needs, how am I supposed to tend to his too? (you will get his point of view soon as we are working on a blog from his point of view and might also see if my kids will answer some questions too??).

Depression also to me is waking up on a morning and not wanting to get out of bed because you dont want to face the “real world”, it is not having a shower or bath for days/weeks on end because it is too much, or even brushing your teeth because what is the point?, not want to eat or eating too much because it is too much effort to cook and eat it or ordering take aways every night because you want as much junk food as you could possibly eat!!, depression is also not managing your money very well, and you end up spending it on pointless things you dont need, or on the take aways your having every night. Depression affects all aspects of your life and it has a knock on affect with everything else because everything is linked one way or another and when you start it is very hard to stop and find a way back especially if you dont have that support you need to say woah there you need to stop and think about this for a second. Some days I can not be bothered to message anyone or ring anyone, everything and anything seems to much of a chore, and all you want to do is stay indoors and not have any outside world involvement.

How does depression affect yours or your partners life?? Do you talk about it?? Does it cause arguements?? Have people left you because they find it too much?? Do you push them out because you are afraid that they wont like what they see?? Please it would be nice to hear from you or partner to either comment on here or on the FaceBook feed whichever you find easiest, you can even private message if you would like it it be confidential.

My “Snap Dragon”

We all have them moments where we snap for no reason don’t we? Well for me it is every time I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere or feel uncomfortable.

Some days i just want to sit and do absoultely nothing, and by nothing I mean just sit there and not do anything not even think, this can fustrate some people as they say “what you have done nothing? Surely you have done something?” Well the answer is “no I havent “. I havent made a cup of coffee, had any cigs, I havent even gone to the toilet useless I have been desparate and can not hold it in any longer.

I can getting snappy when someone has interupted my nothingness, and end up “biting peoples heads off” for no reason what so ever, I call this my “Snap Dragon” because i will do it most of the time without realising i am doing it and other times when i get annoyed because someone is in my face (my son comes to mind on that one).

My partner also gets the “Snap Dragon” too and he ends up snapping back which just esculates in to a heated discussion most of the time!! and then we end up not talking for a few hours sometimes it can be days and I end up apologising to him for it. Which he says he is now use to it, which then makes me feel gulity about it all. (Even though 9 times out of 10 I am the one who snapped first!!). My partner has said afew times “I wonder which personility I am going to get today?” because of all the different moods I am in.

My “Snap Dragon” seems to come out more when my over thinking starts, and instead of me talking about it I end up listening to the thoughts going through my head, and I end up snapping because I can not get out what I am thinking, and when there is a long pause from me, because I am thinking of how to say what is going on they end up ending the call or not talking to me, which makes things worse and makes me more snappy.

I also can get the wrong impression most of the time when someone is talking to me because of their tone of voice and then my “Snap Dragon” comes out and I get “Did you even listen to what I said?”. I find controlling my snappyiness is hard to control most of the time, sometimes i have to bite my tongue, so I don’t say whatever comes into my head because I know it would cause a lot of arguements.

I also get snappy when I struggle to do something that I am unsure of or I am in the middle of something and get disturbed, (I have now learnt to do what I need either when I am on my own, or at a time I know I wont get disturbed), but I will also go quiet and will be inclined to ask for help thinking that they would think less of me.