This week has been a tough week for me for a number of reasons that have been hard to swallow and except.
Over the last few weeks I have learnt more about myself then I have ever in my life previously and it has been hard to except that. As I walk this journey, I am learning that a lot of my demons are from my past and having to deal with them makes you feel vulnerable and open. To the point that I have cried and been angry at myself for letting my past rule me for so long and been afraid of who I am. I have had to deal with my daddy issues or lack of a dad in my life and having a mum who wants to give you this best but trying to control what happens in your life as you are growing up. Having siblings who are annoying and yet loving but also fall out with you instead of solving the problems and this is because of how we have been brought up. Been told that noone wants to be part of your life and been brought up with verbal and physical abuse can take its toll on someone and thinking that this is norm for a family and relationships, is not the best. But my mum did her best and what was right to protect us at the time but as I have got older this maybe not the case. I know that she will read this and disagree with this, but this is my life and how I grown up.
Don’t get me wrong I love both my parents, even if they do not see eye to eye because of what happened between them, a long time ago, but whatever happened, happened and I no longer need to know the facts, because I have both of them in my life, and I am thankful that I still have both my parents who love me.
It has not always been that way though. I would lie a lot to my mum when I was growing up and my siblings would get the brute end of it when I did but it would work the other way round too. I would end up grounded most of the time because I am older and should know better, when in actual fact no I did not because I was a child and so was they. We grow up having a step-dad who loved us like his own until my brothers came along and then me and my sister was pushed to one side and would get shouted at a lot or a smacked arsed if we annoyed him. My mum would just get on with everything because she had 2 little children that took all her time and energy. She would be exhausted and snappy because of the demand from us all. I do not remember much of my childhood but I think that is for the best to be honest because I do not have to deal with to much of my past.
It is hard to talk sort of openly about my past, but I know I can not move forward if I do not. Take for instance my dad not been in my life and been told that he did not want anything to do with me or my sister, means that it is my root cause of men are a**eholes. To add to that my step-dad turning his back on me and my sister when my brothers came into the world added to this and then the abuse we suffered from him added more to that again. I do not blame anyone for this, because at the end of the day it is in the past now and it can not be rectified, but it did teach me that all men are a**eholes.
I did not help this either when I got into abusive relationship after another for many years because I thought that it was normal. It is now that I know that it is was how I was brought up that made me have this stereotype and prejudice towards men, and because I now know this, my perspective has changed slightly. It has helped that I have had a few relationships were men haven’t treated me like a punch bag or hurdle abuse at me and it because of these men that I will be thankful for especially the one I am with currently. He has become my rock and my sounding board and I do not hide any part of me from him because he loves me, all of me even the ugly parts of me, and this makes me feel very blessed and thankful.
Now I know certain people will not agree with me on what I have said but this is my experience and my dealings and that is not on me for you to feel the way you that is to do with you. As a friend once said to me “that is not a me problem it is a you problem”.
There are a lot of things I am working through but still finding my root cause of it and somethings that I have worked through I still do not want to admit to or share just yet. I am slowly learning to love all of the parts even the ugly ones too, of myself because if I do not then how can I let anyone else love me? At the end of the day this journey I am on is to help my own mental wellbeing and to understand why and where it has stemmed from, and even though it is going to be a long process I know that at the end of it, it is going to be worth it.
Self love and care is not been selfish but necessary.
To let someone in, you first have to place your cards on the table, to understand for yourself about yourself, because if you don’t how can anyone else?