2nd week of May

The week started off a bit off ish to be honest.

My partner and I had a bit of a, shall we say, a childish heated texts, and I am still mad at him for making me out to be like my mother!! (which he still has not apologised for), and he spat his dummy out because I created my own RC crawling insta and youtube channel and said that I was taking the one thing that was his away from him, so I said ok no worries and deleted them because I did not want him to feel I was and that I would no longer do RC crawling anymore because it is his thing, and he did say that I could still do it with him but I do not want to anymore as he has taken the fun out of it for me, but he wont see that, especially when I was trying to be understanding but to him I spat my dummy out!! And no doubt as he is reading this he will have his say like he always does, or he will go in a mood with me because that is not how it went but this is my blog and I can express my feelings on here, as that is what I created this for in the first place, and to talk about my mental health.

So that is how I started the week off.

Had a good day at college and found something interesting about myself about prejudice and stereotyping and I have never thought that I did but when I have looked into deeper I do and this was a big eye opener for me because I did not know have strongly I felt about something, until doing this exercise.

Also I have a presentation to do on what services are available in our area for the field I am researching, which is proving to be very interesting and really am thinking of going down this route, the gentleman on the other end of the phone was very helpful and gave me websites and books to look at, he also helped with answering my questions and a few more than was necessary but I was very intrigued about it all, as did not know just how in-depth it could be. Just hope that I can now keep a straight face when doing my presentation in 2 weeks!!

My tummy has also settled down now and I am slowly eating again without having to worry about throwing it back up. I also decided that I did not want my red hair anymore so bought some colour remover for my hair and now I am ginger with dark roots but I am liking it so will just let it grow out, while I think about what I want to do with it, as wanting something different but not quite sure what as of yet.

My son seems to be enjoying work so that is a bonus and he does his own uniform unless I am doing a wash load then I will just put it in with that, have had to tell him off once or twice for been allowed on his playstation but that is nothing new at the minute, he has started to help round the house more too which is a big help as some days I really do not want to anything but I think he is becoming more understanding of my mental health and that I will have off days.

My Daughter gave birth this week to a health baby girl, but I am not allowed to go see them, my Mum came to visit this week also and she was able to go see them but I was not allowed to go which I am still trying to get my head around on why?? I am not gonna lie it hurts really bad, and I do not know how to deal with it internally, because why can my Mum go but not me?? Why do I have to stay away?? What have I done wrong?? Part of me knew this was going to happen but just did not want to face it but now I am gonna have to and I am going to have to try and just realise the fact that I have a Grandchild that I am not going to be able to be part of their life and not see her grow up, and I am not gonna be able to be the Grandma I wanted to be and that is the fact of it whether I like it or not.

Everything seems to be getting to much again just lately but I do not know if that is because of me been ill last week, or with what everything that is going on, and just can not seem to find the energy to do anything and seem to get the shakes when I have eaten like I want to throw up again, but only getting the feeling and not actually been sick so that is ok but hate the feel just as much as been sick.

I feel like I am sinking backwards again just when everything was starting to get in a good place, and everything was looking good and bright again, yes I am trying to stay positive and smile but how can I when my family is broken and wont even talk about it and rather hide behind something or someone else, it hurts really bad, more than I would like to admit, but how I am to talk to someone if they wont talk because they are so wrapped up in what they believe to their perfect life?? and when I do try to talk about it I am the one causing trouble or stress.

Well that sums up the week I have had which i feel like I have taken 2 steps forward and 6 backwards to be fair, but I shall still smile and pretend that everything is ok to everyone else because it is better than having arguments, and I am sick of arguments and banging my head from a brick wall.

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