I can not deal with how I am feeling right now, up one minute down the next.
One minute I can be crying and feeling so low that I end up having terrible thoughts to been okish the next and feeling ok I can do this,I can get past it, to feeling like I really do not want to be here anymore.
I can be snappy when I am at my lowest and take everything and anything of what people say to heart and take it the wrong way, whether it be good or bad, I do not tend to take on board what is been said to me clearly and only seem to half listen to what is been said.
I also when I do listen go on the tone of voice and in that first word I know how the conversation is going to go and it will be me not wanting to know because I know that they do not want to know about me either, which is sad really because that were mixed messages can come in.
I feel almost dead in my mind, not wanting to think but yet thinking about everything, crying over the slightest thing, good, bad, ugly or funny, I have no energy for anything, I have no enthusiasm for anything, I feel like I have been stripped of everything by a society who no longer thinks about its people but about their pockets.
We are pushed to take notice of what is going on in the world, countries who can not feed themselves, a country who does not have clean water, the list goes on and on, and we donate so much of our time, effort and money to help those less fortinate than ourselves.
I am angry at the way the world is going, I am angry that everyone feels like they are number one and it is me vs you type going on, I am angry that we have to isolate from each other, I cry every day at the anger I feel, I cry because I am alone even if I am in a room full of people, I am sad because of plans that I once made I may not ever get to do.
I have been bullied most of my life and I still get it now, and the worse thing about it is they do not realise they are doing it. Everyday I wake up and see emails about what the news is about today, everyday I see the world crumble before my eyes, everyday my life slips aay a litte more.
Over the last weekish I have done nothing but sleep, because 1) I am not feeling well (flu) 2) My mind can not cope with what is going on outside my house. I am tired. One day I will sleep and never wake if I am lucky, but I also might end up having a slow painful one too.