On the Sick again

I have been on sick now for over 7 days and I do not know how to get past it right now.

Last week I had a few days holiday to get on top of house work and sort out some personal finances, which was all good till I went back to work for 1 day and then had a mental breakdown.

My shift started ok, but was very demanding, and we have been getting busier and busier, and even though we was short staffed we managed to deal with the demand of everything, except I was not, I could not keep up with everything mentally, even though I just got on with it.

Even though we are in lockdown everyone seems to be ordering and coming to collect it, I know that people who are in lockdown or working from home have spare time to do the necessary chores that they have been putting off at home, like a faulty light switch or move things around, painting, etc, etc.

But we are supposed to only allowed to leave the house for essential items only, like food, doctors, or anything else that is essential, but for me people coming to our shop for silly things like a hoselock connector or some path and driveway sealer is not essential, to me anyway.

As I am picking these orders for the general public I am thinking to myself why would you need this if we are in lockdown? I know that with suffering with mental health myself it might be to keep that person from going out of their mind at home, I understand that, but why?

I have to say one thing about my work though, and that is, because they have been so supportive of me with my mental health, and have helped me get through getting back to work and giving me the tools I need to get me back there, from retail trust to online counselling to my branch manger and manager been there to help and support me, to all the staff that have not questioned on why I have been off, and still making me feel welcome and this is a big deal.

Granted I maybe should of kept going with some of the stuff work had given me, but I thought I was through the worse of it and also the fact my Doctor said I was not ready to go back jsut yet but I went back anyway.

As I went back and dealing with how busy it was, I got home and just broke down, and I still feel the same today as I did 8 days ago, I cry at the slightest thing, my brian will not shut off from everything, like when you go shopping and you are stood in the cue keeping your distance and stood on the markers provided by the supermarket and someone jumps in front of you and starts unloading their basket, thinking that because they have less you wont mind.

Or when you are going to get something from the shelves and you wait till the person has finished and then you move for someone else to just push in front of you and grab what they need and say to you “sorry I am in a rush”, like that makes it alright?

Or they throw abuse at you because they wanted to get something and you are stood there just picking up an item because you have just literally got there yourself and they say “will you hurry up there is others waiting!!”, the way people speak to you these days is just damn right disrespectful and rude.

All these factors play on my emotions and I can not deal or cope with any of it right now, whether it be at work or in the supermarket, there is no need for people to be or act like they do, we are all in this together, and there is nothing we can do about it at the minute.

While I am off at the minute I am going to see if I can get something that I can do from home job wise because I really can not deal with the way society and the rudeness or ruthless people that think they have the right more than others, but I will do this when I am feeling a bit more like myself.

At the moment I need to re-build myself yet again in order to be able to deal with the world.

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