The last few days I have not been feeling myself, and the other day I had a mental break.
My head has not been in a good lace recently, and I have just plodded on and tried to put it to the back of my head, but the more I tried the more it was trying back and afew days ago everything just crashed and I burned big time.
It has been a few months since I have felt like this, and it knocks me sideways, I do not know what to do or where to go.
I rang the doctor and they have put it down to the COVID situation for me feeling like this and said you will need to go self certifed for 7 days and then we will ring you then to see how you are!!
Have a mental illness isnt caused by COVID going on, I have had it for years and it is not something that will just go at the click of the fingers like some people think.
It has taken alot of pain and abuse for me to be how I am, always been told that I will never amount to anything, that I am no good, that I do not deserve to be a mother, that I am a nobody, that I am useless, that I am ugly, that I am a waste of space and any other horrible thing that anyone has thrown my way along the years and after them been repeated thrown at you, you start believing that, that is what you are.
It has taken it’s toll on me and for years I have brushed it off and brushed it off, but it has always stayed to the back of my mind till it could no longer stay there, and then everything comes flooding back not at once but in waves and it hits me just when I think I am past the worse off it.
The worse bit about it all for me is, at the minute, it just takes something small to make me goe backwards, the tone of someone voice, the way their body language is, or how they speak to someone else, and everything flashes back again and I end up back at square one.
Then I have to go through the process all over again and I struggle because it gets harder and harder everytime I do, I am afraid of what my future holds for me if I can not get through it, I know I have good things to look forward to and I hold on to them with every ounce of my being.
I feel empty and hollow, numb but in pain too, like good and bad colliding all at once, like with you throw flour and it scatters everywhere but yet not in the same place, like when you throw papers and they just float in the air and then separate and are all over when they land, like a computer with too much stuff on it that you have to delete things but do not want to because of the memories that data holds.
Everything feels a mess with myself even though everything is in order, I like to call it my organised chaos, and I know one day, one day it will come it is just a matter of when, and if it happens.