Everyday I have to face my fear and some days I win and others I lose, and when I lose I can let it consume me for days. Which isn’t helpful for those that are around me.
When I was younger I would always see the glass half full, and take everything thrown at me with a pinch of salt and carry on regardless. I would hold my head high and let what people had to say, say it or circumstances that were thrown my way and let them just take there course and deal with it.
As I have gotten older it is hard to deal with what it thrown my way and I seem to let it get to me more than it should, I can not just let things lie and I would let it consume me and let it fester, and turn away and hide in a corner somewhere for fear of fighting back would cause more damage than good.
As I look at the way I am, I am more fearful now than I have ever been, fear of losing my kids, fear of losing my partner, fear of losing my house, fear of not paying my bills on time and the list goes on and on. As I look at this endless list that is in front of me I become more fearful of it, and fearful of failing at everything I do.
It does not help that my youngest tells me that I am losing my wits and that I should practice what I preach, but how can I do that when I do not know what I am suppose to be preaching to. I also sit here and think I am the adult shouldn’t he do as I say and not what I do? I have for many years done what is right by my children, I have never swore in front of them when they were little, I always made sure they had a clean house to come to from school, there ways always food on the table, I would sit and help them do their homework, they would have a rountine.
As they have gotten older they have now set their own rountine, and I am left here standing wondering what to do and I am afraid of been left behind by them, but I also can not expect them to stay little forever and that they are growing up, and this is the worse fear I face.
Not because they will soon be leaving the nest but fear of them not talking to me when they do, fear of them not coming to see me or me been able to go see them, for fear that they will be too busy with their own lives to even think about me, and yes this might sound selfish but I have always thought I am close to my kids, and that they can come to me about anything, even if it would upset me, or make me mad, but that is a natural human response to something that needs that kind of attention??
I am also fearful of what to do with my life as for the last 21 years+ I have always put them first, and now I have time for me and to do what I want with my life but I don’t know what to do with it, and that is another one of my fears because I do not know what to do?