Just recently I have started to look at myself in the mirror, I mean really look at myself. The wrinkles I am starting to get at the corner of my eyes, the slight sagging under the chin, the gaps in my eyelashes where they don’t grow properly, the slight off white of my teeth, my crooked smile, the puffiness of my cheeks, and as I am looking I don’t reconise the person looking back at me.
The reason for this, is I no longer seem to have that light twinkling in my eye when I am excited about something, they just look dull and lifeless, the smile I used to wear is now just a mask and is empty and hollow, my shoulders droop and just hang there, my body posture is limp and slightly bent forward, closing myself off from anyone.
On a morning I look tired and like I have been dragged through a hedge backwards, by the end of the day I still look the same because I havent bothered brushing my hair only redoing the ponytail, and putting my glasses on and just go do whatever it is I suppose to be doing, if I can be bothered doing it, unless it is work, because lets face it I need to, to keep food on the table and a roof over my head even though everyday I just don’t want to, and wish I could stay in bed and do nothing.
Even writing these blogs I do from my bed even though I have a computer desk down stairs with paper and pens and anything else you can think of that goes on desk is on there but yet I still choose to sit or lay in bed and write these, maybe it is because I feel safe here or the fact that it is comfy, whatever the reason, I feel more motivated here.
When going to work, it is like I am acting for a role and pretending to be someone I am not, like I have got my s**t together, laughing about things that make no sense to me, talking about things that have no interest to me what so ever, trying to fit in without actually fitting in. When I finish work I have to sit in my car and roll myself a ciggie and breathe before even putting the key in the ignition and driving off.
Everyday I say to myself I must get intouch with so and so to see how they are, and at the end of the day I mentally kick myself because I don’t, but then a little voice says they have a phone/car etc too why can’t they try for once? and then I end up in a arguement with myself about it. At the end of the day shouldn’t we all make an effort?
My day can not deal with sudden changes, like if I go to work and in my head I have my tasks set out and when I get there they have been changed, or if I am at home and think right I will do the cleaning today and someone comes round unexpectedly and I end up been antisocial and not talk much because I have got my “cleaning head” on and then I feel like I am out of sorts and don’t know whether I am coming or going with myself.
Which can not be nice for the person who has has come round to see me. I like rountine and I like to know what I am dong from one day to the next so I can mentally prepare myself, because I can’t deal with surprises or unexpected things to happen. I know that sometimes they are unavoidable but if I can I will will try to avoid them unexpected events happening.
Yes I do like to be incontrol of what is happening round me but I also like it when someone says “hey in x amount of days we are going to go do this, do you fancy it?”
Everyday I notice something different about myself, whether it be in my face or body changing or even my mood, I am noticing and I anaylse this, sometimes to much, other times not even a second goes in to it, but I do notice and I will take a mental note and if it comes up again I will try and be better at handling the situation next time if it comes up, I will be able to word things differently and maybe not upset anyone in the process.
Everyday I try little things to help my ever changing mood in hope that I will shine a little brighter, smile a little wider, flow a little steadier.