Lately I have been feeling lost and seem to looking for something, and everytime I think I have found it, it goes just as quick. I feel like I have lost myself somewhere and can not seem to find whatever it is I have lost.
In my last blog I said how this is helping me and it is but I seem to have the attention span of a nat? I put my all into everything I do and I feel that no that is not quite right. I feel like I am empty shell, and I am just passing through till something catches me to make me feel whole again.
Even my partner is getting the brunt of it right now but he didn’t help this time, he seemed to of made it worse for me, because he wanted one thing and I seemed to of took it way out of proportion (I think).
The best way to explain this feeling right now that I am feeling is, I dont feel loved, wanted or needed by anyone, I dont feel like I should be here in this world right now, like I am just a cog in an endless wheel of cogs that are just going through the motions.
I feel empty, like my life has no meaning, I have nothing to look forward to, I have nothing to make me feel proud of something. It is all just empty, I am empty, hollow, flat and numb. I am trying to be strong but I dont know what I am meant to be strong for?
This isnt the normal type of blog I have done, but I needed to get down and say how I am feeling in this present moment. How one moment that happened can crash and make me feel worthless, how that one moment, has got me questioning everything around me again, how that one moment is now the make or break of everything.
How I wish that moment had never happened, would I feel like my world has turned upside down and inside out, would I be writing this blog? Properly not. I feel like I have lost my best friend, my partner in crime, my everything.
No matter what I seem to do lately is not good enough to peak my interest or to help me snap out of this emptyiness right now, all I know is that I want to be doing something that will keep me interested and not just for a few hours/weeks/months, but I supposed that, that is upto me to sort out but I just don’t know how or where to go!!
I need to find my meaning, I need to find what makes me tick and something that I have a passion for and enjoy doing, but until then I am just gonna have to take each day as it comes until I find me.