On my last post I wrote that I needed people to be there on a level I needed them to be. Now I know that this might seem selfish, but when you have never had that support, and have had to deal with alot and not having someone to talk to or go through the steps with you, or to even understand what is going on in your head. I end up getting fustrated and getting angry with them, because to me they should know but then as my partner says “I am not a mind reader, you need to open your mouth and talk to me”.
Sometimes it is hard for me to say what I want to say because half the time I don’t want to upset them with what I have said because it might have come out in the wrong tone of voice, or it has been interuptited the wrong way. Everything I am going to say most of the time I have to think about what I want to say and I then analyise how they might react or what they might say how it will change their mood if they have took it differently to how it is meant and then other times I just don’t say anything because I know that it would just end up in a fall out or arguement.
This can have a major affect on me because I want to say what is on my mind and how people make me feel in that moment and I want to be able to talk to people and them not think I am being a complete and utter selfish cold hearted person, because lets face it when can you speak your mind and someone be on the same wave length wouldnt understand what you are on about and take what you are saying the wrong way.
Everyday I have to think about everything, every action I do and every word I say because I am at a stage were I can not be bothered with the chew that comes after it, but also want to be at a stage were I dont give a monkeys anymore, so I am in constant battle with myself bout who I want to be and who everyone else expects me to be. Life is hard enough without having to deal with everyone elses perceptions too.
Some days days I get up and think “f**k it” I dont care what anyone thinks, and then I actually get up and get sorted and I start to wavier and start shaking about it because I do not have many friends in my life and my family are just about glued together I do not want to not have them in my life just because I have decide to have a f**k it type of attitude.
We all have this image about ourselfs, when we are younger where we want to be, what we want from life, were we hope to be when we are older, well I never did, I would just get up and deal with whatever the day had to offer and get on with it. I never had a goal to reach for and I didnt know where I wanted to be in life or what I wanted out of it I just knew that I wanted to do something and be proud of myself for it.