Everyday is a constant battle trying to keep my head above water and pushing through everyday life. Trying to get out of bed everyday to make sure there is a clean house, food on the table and in the cupboards, making sure we all have clean clothes, and keeping my pooch happy too with walks and feeding him.
Some days I dont even get out of bed because I feel safer there and don’t want to do the everyday life, like making sure things are paid on time!
Everyday I fight my mental health and most days i get up because if I dont I won’t have a job, and if I don’t have a job I can not pay for the bils and debts I have. I can not put food on the table, or have a roof over our heads.
Everyday I feel I have to psych myself up to do the laundry, make a meal go to work pay the bills, keep into with family and friends just so I dont get that nagging feeling that I am leaving them behind, or the feeling I am getting left behind.
But then there are days were I just want silence, and feel tempted to turn my phone off, and not have any outside contact and just stay in bed and either sleep or watch whatever on netflix, and these are the days that my mind goes into over drive and feel like I am going into a paranoid state.
I even shut myself out from my kids and partner when I get like this and they can get worried when I do, or did, but now I let them know when I am feeling like this and they tend to know that I will get in touch when I am ready too. But I know they still worry but it is my way of couping, by shutting the world out and letting my mind process what is happening and try not to let it wonder to much.
Once I have let myself process whatever is on mymind and I decide to let the world back in, I talk about (or try to) what I have been thinking and feeling, and hope to get feed back from this and sometimes a solution is made in that process and I can then move one.
Sometimes though I will let it fester for days and won’t really talk and it will be short in my answers and wont engage in the converstation or only be half listening because my mind is festering on what I am thinking and can not get past it. This can get on my partners nerves sometimes and this is when I need his reasurance that he is there and not going anywhere. My clinginess.
It has been hard not to shut the world out lately, with all this pandemic going on because everyone seems to want to have their say about it and me I am just like I want to get on with my life I have enough to deal with, without having that added to the mix as well, but feel if I said this out loud people would think I am been naive and get all defensive.
So I tend to just nod and smile and not really listen to what is been said because I have shut the world out, and can not be bothered with listening to other peoples opinons, what is happening is happening and there is not alot we can do about it, if your still going to go out and still do your daily shopping or meet family and friends then why are you moaning about it?