What is depression to you?

Depression has various meanings these days, like ,the financial and industrial slump of 1929 and subsequent years or the action of lowering something or pressing something down or a long recession in an economy or market, the most common one these days is the mental health side as it now become more reconised, a mental condition characterized by feelings of severe despondency and dejection.

But what does it actually mean?? Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major/severe depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can also lead to a variety of emotional and physcial problems.

I got these from a dictionary and thesaurus, (yes I do own both of these) as I wasn’t sure myself but it goes to show how deep depression can go, within one self.

For me depression is when I feel guilt all the time because I think I have failed my kids, (this does not help the fact I did not see my daughter for nearly 9 years), and also with my son having ADHD and ASD. My kids are the only thing that have got me through the most part of my life, because everything I did I did for them, my jobs, I became a Teaching Assistant so that way I did not have to worry about childcare through the school holidays, I made sure that they had everything they needed (not what they thought they wanted) when growing up.

Now they are becoming young adults and I am now not need as much (by my daughter at least), my son on the other hand thinks I am a bank and sticks to me like glue!! But they both know how to cook, clean, and other household domestic chores, and know what they need from life and I know that they can look after themselves (even though they think I treated them like slaves sometimes!!), but this has had a big part to play for me, as I wanted them to able to look after themselves and each other because there was a time were I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough and if anything happened to me, they would be ok? On the other hand I would also be like well they also might hate you for not been around anymore!?!? So the strength of knowing that, that could happen made it harder for me to leave.

I now find it harder to control my demons, the noise, the snap dragon, everyday becomes harder to fight the battle, because all I think about, is what have I got now?? they are moving on with their lives and figuring everything out themselves and will one day have families of their own. Where does that leave me? I know I might seem selfish with that but I wasnt ready to let them go just yet, I wasnt ready for them to becaome adults, I feel like I have blinked and they have grown up, and this makes me sad, upset, and angry at myself for been selfish, but also proud.

I also feel guilt towards my partner too, because I feel I can not give him what he needs most of the time because of my own little world, I feel like I am always needy, I also feel like I am a burden on him and dont give him the space he needs sometimes, I am always questioning and why he is even with me half the time, some days I wake up and think can I be bothered with a relationship? I feel like it is too much hard work, I can’t love, look after, tend to my own needs, how am I supposed to tend to his too? (you will get his point of view soon as we are working on a blog from his point of view and might also see if my kids will answer some questions too??).

Depression also to me is waking up on a morning and not wanting to get out of bed because you dont want to face the “real world”, it is not having a shower or bath for days/weeks on end because it is too much, or even brushing your teeth because what is the point?, not want to eat or eating too much because it is too much effort to cook and eat it or ordering take aways every night because you want as much junk food as you could possibly eat!!, depression is also not managing your money very well, and you end up spending it on pointless things you dont need, or on the take aways your having every night. Depression affects all aspects of your life and it has a knock on affect with everything else because everything is linked one way or another and when you start it is very hard to stop and find a way back especially if you dont have that support you need to say woah there you need to stop and think about this for a second. Some days I can not be bothered to message anyone or ring anyone, everything and anything seems to much of a chore, and all you want to do is stay indoors and not have any outside world involvement.

How does depression affect yours or your partners life?? Do you talk about it?? Does it cause arguements?? Have people left you because they find it too much?? Do you push them out because you are afraid that they wont like what they see?? Please it would be nice to hear from you or partner to either comment on here or on the FaceBook feed whichever you find easiest, you can even private message if you would like it it be confidential.

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