I have been struggling to deal with what is going on in my head, with all the noise and constantly fighting a battle, that you can not hear what is been said around you. Like your there but not there.
This has been the case for for me. I would talk with people I am around, but never actually listened to what is been said to me and just nod and smile or end up saying something that is not needed to be said. This can cause tension and conflict between the people your supposed to be there for. I would pay more attention to what was going on in my head or distract myself with my phone, TV or anything other than what I was supposed to be doing and that was listening to what was been said to me, because I didnt want to be dealing with every day life or anyone elses situation.
It is hard to stop what you are doing to be there for someone when you can not even be there for yourself, it is hard to understand someone else pain, or the circumstances they are going through because you are in your own little world. How are you ment to help someone when you can not even help your self? How can you be supportive, when you can not even support yourself? In the end I ended up pushing everyone out and keeping myself closed off from those that was trying to be there for me, which didnt help as I made myself isolated from everyone.
Your friendships, family, partner and everyone else who means something, starts to distance themselfs from you because you are not listening or paying attention to them, they start to slowly cut you off, so when you want to talk to them about something they are busy or distracted by what they have going on. This then has an affect on your life and you start going over everything. Questions start to pile up again. What have I done? Why are they pushing me out? Why didn’t they ring me? Why are the phone calls short? Don’t they care?
When these questions start, you start doing some reflecting and going over past events, analysising past conversations, what you think was talked about and what you might of said or not said. You start to see a pattern and think how can I be a better friend/family member/partner? What do I need to do in return? How can I be supportive towards them to show them i really do care? Will they then give me the support I need in return? How can i stop this noise in my head from interfering with what i need to do?
When I paused for a moment and started to listen to what is been said to me, instead of all the noise and commotion in my head, I started to see that they would start opening up again, because I was actually listening and paying attention and asking questions if I didnt understand something, for them to explain further by what they mean, which showed them I was actually listening, which meant that they would listen to me when I had a problem or need some guidance if I was unsure about anything. It has taken time for me to get to this point and to sort the chaos in my head to be able to listen, understand and help myself as well as others.
I have only just started to open a little more to the important people in my life, and have decided to be honest with how I am feeling rather than shrugg it off or say I don’t know when i do but can’t be doing with the why? questions, I still have a long way to go, and so have others but at least I am trying and that is all I can do is try, in hope that others will try too. To be able to make better relationships by letting someone into your chaos helps them understand what?, why?, how? you are feeling and how you are making them feel, with your actions, talking then because more easier and because you have both talked you both get to know triggers and tell tale acts that something is not right, and your both able to talk about it instead of shutting them out or arguing for no reason.
I am not saying everyone is the same but this is my point of view and this is to help me understand and also those that are close to me to understand what I feel and think most days, to try and let them into my world of chaos, overthinking brain of mine. I am learning to take each day as it comes, and embrace the good days as well as the bad, because lets face it isn’t going to be forever, I am going to get through this, and I am going to be stronger to deal with what life throws at me and just be like ok, how are we going to tackle this? what steps do I need to take?