Everyday i wake up groggy from the tablets I had taken the night before, trying to remember what time it is, or even the day!! I slowly make my way downstairs to make myself a cup of coffee, as I am waiting I let the dog out and put his breakfast in to his bowl before letting him back in, I then walk back up the stairs with my coffee and roll myself the first of many cigs i have for the day. As I sit there drinking my coffee and smoking my brain slowly starting to kick in and a million questions start to cloud my brain.
What are people going to think of me when I am out and about walking? What shall I wear so I dont get noticed to much? How am I even going to make through day? I dont even like this brand of coffee, Why am I even Drinking it? I should really stop smoking because it is not helping. You really should do some exercises, as your belly and bum are getting bigger!! Wonder who my partner is talking to? Are they close? Does he like them more than me? Am I really good enough for him? I bet they are talking about me behind my back or when i am not there? I wonder if they really care or just wanting information?
It just goes on and on, some days i feel like I am drowning and others just about keeping my head above water. But I make it through the day, everyday and I have been like this for the last 18 months or so. I still take the tablets the Doctor has given me but now i am questioning on whether they are working or not anymore?
I am slowly getting better but the questions and judging are still there waiting to make an appearence when they can and I feel like I am back at square one again. Other days I can laugh and smile, and feel carefree almost and I hang onto them days because that is when I feel like I am been me the most. It is almost like having deja vu on the good days.
My partner helps the best he can, even though he doesnt fully understand what is going on in my head or how i am feeling and we end up arguing most days but yet he still stays by my side through it all, my rock, my saviour, my world, because even though we seem to have more bad days than good he believes we will be carefree and happy again soon, whether it be tomorrow, next week, next month or next year he believes and that is what gives me hope.